Eight new record-cold temperature phrases for local weathermen:

8. “Motherfreezer”

7. “Colder Than John Swallow’s Résumé”

6. “Chillapalooza”

5. “Icier Than Ed’s Wife at the Christmas Party—Am I Right?”

4. “No Country For Tight Sweaters”

3. “Bitter, Frigid and Glacial—But Really, Enough About Ed’s Wife”

2. “Frostastic” (Rights available for purchase from author, c/o this publication)

1. “A Farewell to Testicles”