A citizens’ initiative requiring IQ tests for
Utah legislators has apparently backfired.
“Everyone knows we have the dumbest
Legislature in the land,” said Herb
Swander, the man who came up with
the idea to raise the IQ level in the Utah
Legislature. “Our proposal was a modest
attempt to reduce the embarrassment
factor by a degree or two. Now people will
no longer suspect that our legislators are
really stupid; instead, they will have absolute
proof.”
Mr. Swander is referring to the unanimous vote of both the House and Senate to adopt the IQ bill (HB 0001), with just one proviso: instead of a score of 80 on the Stanford-Binet test being the minimum requirement to serve in the Legislature, 80 is now the maximum IQ allowed.
It comes as no surprise to veteran
observers of the Utah legislative scene
that the most enthusiastic proponent of
the maximum allowable I.Q. was the colorful
Republican senator from West Jordan,
Chris Buttars. “I just got fed up with everyone
always saying we were a bunch of idiots,
as if that was a negative thing. Now we
got it written into law that we are certified
idiots, we can wear the label with pride.”
Mr. Buttars, who bears a striking
resemblance to the beloved comedian Don
Rickles, recently proposed lopping off the
last year of high school education as a
money-saving measure. “I never learned
a doggone thing in the 12th grade, and it
didn’t hurt me none. Matter of fact, school
never did me one bit of good, and here I am
the most famous man in Utah. If you ask
me, schooling is as worthless as tits on a
tomcat.”
Mr. Buttars is proud of the rich variety
of brainless measures up for approval in
this year’s legislative session. “You’ve got
your proposal from my good and faithful
Republican friend Margaret Dayton
of Orem to keep the feds’ dirty mitts off
our guns here in Utah, our love of which
is proof of our right to be as dumb as we
want. Then you’ve got your proposal to
keep the feds’ dirty mitts off health care. Is
that a dumb idea? You bet your life it is!
“And speaking of stupid, how about your bill to kill off wolves? How about your bill to let bicycle riders run through stop signs and red lights? And you heard about my brainless buddy Mike Noel of Kanab, who has the harebrained idea that the climatewarming folks are engaged in a conspiracy to control population, thus stopping the flow of spirits from the pre-existence who want to come to Earth and get a body. ’Course, if we let the bicycle folks run red lights, it’s a sure way to control their population, which will free up more space for the spirits in heaven to jump into a body.
“You know
what my favorite
brainless
bill is this session?
It’s the
one sponsored
by that gal
Laura Black
from Sandy,
the one that
makes high school
referees, who as
everyone knows are
a bunch of perverts,
get background checks
and get fingerprinted
before they can get on a
basketball court where they get to eyeball
pubescent girls and boys in skimpy
uniforms running around getting sweaty.
Unfortunately, that bill got voted down,
at least for the time being, but you can bet
your bottom dollar that it will get resurrected,
the reason being that it is the most
brainless bill in recent memory, and that’s
saying a lot.
“Here’s the thing about that referee bill. Everyone says the Legislature is idiotic because it’s filled with Republican white guys. So I’m very proud to point out that Representative Black is a gal and a Democrat to boot. We white Republican white guys don’t have a monopoly on being dumb. Plus the fact that Ms. Black is rumored to be a schoolteacher, which just goes to prove my point about what you learn in school.
“Finally, while I got you here,
I just want to clear up a misconception
about brainlessness. You saw that article
in the paper about scientists discovering
that people in a vegetative state do show
some brain activity, particularly in the
intraparietal sulchus. Some people might
say that means there’s hope for us Utah
legislators. But as we know from evolution
and global warming, you can’t trust science.
None of us in the Utah Legislature,
I’m proud to say, has ever experienced
even a flicker of brain activity.”
