8. No brown M&Ms in the dressing room. Just the still-beating hearts of virgins, and some Real Salt.

7. Venue to provide a karaoke machine including, but not limited to, the complete works of Phil Collins.

6. Nicknames “Turd Blossom,” “Bush’s Brain,” “The Architect” or “Satan’s Pound Cake” are not to be spoken.

5. No left-wing nutjobs to be allowed on premises. Right-wing nutjobs permitted, with proper tea party credentials.

4. Pressed shirt and khakis to be provided; leather pants and dog collar substitution acceptable.

3. Appearance fee to be paid in KFC Double Down vouchers upon demand.

2. No questions about “facts,” “criminality” or “jowl maintenance” allowed during book signings.

1. Also, no questions about “courage” or “consequence.”

Bill Frost: