If there were a crystal ball at the City Weekly office, it would probably be yellowed from spilt microbeer and buried under a pile of back issues. But let us assume we do have a shiny one, one that works, even. We’ve asked folks involved in the Utah music scene—from musicians to writers to club owners—to peer into its depths and make a prediction or two about what music lovers can expect from 2013. Some are hilarious, some are poignant, some are self-deprecating, one even makes fun of me—and all are worth reading.

Lance Saunders, co-owner of Kilby Court, The Urban Lounge and S&S Presents
“Eagle Twin will help locals uncover the meaning of love. Gaza will continue to teach their audience about inner consciousness. Cornered by Zombies will shed light on the conception of God’s essence. Tolchock Trio will release a groundbreaking record, inspiring them to hit the road without their security blanket (GPS). Will Sartain will finally be able to grow a mustache. Jon Larsen will stay dead.”

Dan Nelson, saxophonist for The Chickens
“I predict The Chickens will put out another album. It will not go platinum. Also, people will stop paying money to see DJs.”

Kyle Erickson, aka Flash & Flare, 2011 CWMA DJ of the Year
“I predict that in 2013, the LDS Church will use EDM (electronic dance music) to appeal to its teenage church members. The church will team up with all of the city’s best promoters and throw a monthly rave at Temple Square. Skrillex, Daft Punk and Paris Hilton will tri-headline the first rave inside The Mormon Tabernacle! MDMA and marijuana will also be excluded from the Word of Wisdom … but only for Temple Square rave attendees. Look for their new website in January, which will explain all the details!”

Branden Campbell, bassist for Neon Trees
“In 2013, I see the return of the guitar solo and Jell-O Pudding Pops. I see Karl Malone finally doing a Christmas record, but only releasing it on vinyl. I also see a Family Guy episode where the Griffin family welcomes a long-lost cousin, who happens to be a bass player from a certain Utah band!”

Angela Brown, editor of SLUG magazine
“In 2013, the Neon Trees join the cast and crew of Yo Gabba Gabba. The touring version of the TV show becomes even more successful—selling out arenas in Provo; Boise, Idaho; and Nauvoo, Ill., for months on end. The tour’s new financial success is credited to Neon Trees’ lead vocalist, Tyler Glenn, who came up with the idea of adding an ice show to the Gabba Gabba format. Glen is quoted by MTV.com explaining his idea: “Ice skating has always been a huge inspiration for Neon Trees and our music. The fact that we get to tour while singing, dancing and lip-syncing on ice skates fulfills the band’s life dream.”

Chris Mautz, co-owner of The State Room
“Maybe we will see the return of The Boss to Utah! I sure hope so.”

Linda East Brady, music reporter for the Standard-Examiner, host of “Sunday Sagebrush Serenade” and “The Beat Beat” for KRCL
“In yet a further attempt to reach out to LGBT and other fabulous party people, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ Prophet Thomas S. Monson, his Quorum of the Twelve and a few of the more comely sisters from the Tabernacle Choir do a YouTube video called ‘Mormon Style’—an homage to Psy’s beautiful ‘Gangnam Style’ video. Filmed entirely in and around the new Gateway mall, the video-gone-viral starts a new chaste dance craze worldwide and attracts 1 billion new Mormons to the fold. Monson wins an MTV Music Award for his own moves—eerily reminiscent of Jagger’s.”

Gavin Sheehan, Gavin’s Underground blogger and City Weekly contributor
“I foresee several bands who could change the local music landscape and become a national hit ... break up before they break out. I also predict: a sell-out show when the Vile Blue Shades reunite in October; 19 bands sharing the same drummer; and radio-station owners continuing to sit on their asses and failing to launch an all-local music station.”

Colin Wolf, City Weekly blogger/staff writer (and Chad Kroeger senior correspondent)
“In the year 2013, I predict that Salt Lake Tribune music editor David Burger will interview One Direction and be happily surprised by their abundance of charm. SLUG Magazine will more than likely print a story about an underrated punk band you’ve never heard of. Now Salt Lake will break the news of who’s the sexiest DJ in Salt Lake City. And City Weekly music editor Austen Diamond will be caught listening to Riff Raff while doing yoga.”

Bill Frost, City Weekly digital editor
“The final straw for mopey beardy-folkies who delude themselves into thinking they’re ‘rock’ bands will drop when a new Salt Lake City group comes up with the name The Ponderous Otter, releases a triangular hemp-vinyl EP and causes 16 hours of dead air on KRCL because no one can figure out how to play it. Unsurprisingly, those 16 hours of dead air will go virtually unnoticed. Also: Local obscurities Spörk will die in a fiery tour-jet crash en route to Ogden. This, too, will go unnoticed.”

Tyler Monks, Utah Music Association executive director
“I’m predicting another major-label signing in 2013. I hope to see Utah artists take more chances this next year and break some molds.”

Justin Smith, co-founder of ProjectSLC.com
“In the following year, Utah will finally convince California they really aren’t that far behind in the music scene. This will cause all-out war with Colorado for best state along the Rocky Mountains. Local Utah bands will defeat the local Colorado bands in a ‘Rock Off’ similar to the Bass Battle in Scott Pilgrim, solidifying that Utah is, in fact, better than Colorado in every way. The Utahns who moved to Colorado will flock back and say that moving to Colorado was ‘just a phase.’ ”

Steve Auerbach, MusicGarage.org director
“I predict a ‘Domie Award’ for Brad Stock’s The Atomic Clock CGI/laser show at Clark Planetarium. I see hundreds of scholarship applications from Utah’s musical youth who want to be part of MusicGarage-Kids festival gigs and tour for free! And I see volunteer music director Terence Hansen winning a City Weekly Music Award for ‘Most Generous Musician’ for all of his volunteer work.”

John (Johnny Cat) Farmer, president/founder of Utah Musicians Radio
“In the year 2013, I see a day when all the bands that ‘make it’ start claiming Utah as their home! I see Provo’s music scene invading Salt Lake; the Salt Lake scene invades Utah Valley; Logan and Ogden will fight the Northern Territories for the rights to Salt Lake and Provo; Moabians will continue to play music regardless; St. George gives birth to a new music genre called St. G-Style; Blanding and Vernal become sister cities. The majority of bands chant ‘When will it be me?!’ and a great, thundering sigh of ‘Oh my heck!’ comes across the land of Zion, and musical prosperity rings through our ear holes once more. Truthfully, we have the greatest musicians in the world right here in Utah! Get out, listen and find out for yourself.”

Dan Nailen, blogger at SLCene.com, City Weekly contributor
“The re-emergence of so-called ‘alt-country’ among local bands will warm the hearts of twang hounds like me, and one of Utah’s indie hip-hop artists/groups will earn some surprisingly mainstream success via inclusion in a movie soundtrack.”

Kevin Kirk, owner of The Heavy Metal Shop
“I believe 2013 is going to be a great year for music in Utah. 2012 saw an increase in our business. I think it had a lot to do with our 25th anniversary and some great shows—the return of Iron Maiden to Salt Lake City being the highlight of the summer. Record sales have taken over CD sales by a landslide this year, too.”