Eight possible replacements for the phrase "A private club for members":

8. "Where livers and dreams go to die"

7. "Surveillance cameras provided by Mothers Against Drunk Driving"

6. "Now anyone can get into a bar. God, what have we done?"

5. "No refund on that lifetime membership, sucker"

4. "We´re using the savings to disinfect our stripper poles ... finally"

3. "Now you´ll have a few extra bucks for a decent tip"

2. "Seriously—10 percent is tithing, not a tip"

1. "Our democracy is strong, but the drinks are still weak"