CLICK

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*.5

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Adam Sandler
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Kate Beckinsale

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David Hasselhoff

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Rated PG-13

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You wouldn’t believe all the anonymous junk we receive every day in hand-lettered brown envelopes from people who think they’ve stumbled across an unproduced Ed Wood script or photographic evidence that the Brangelina baby is an alien. Usually we just file for another restraining order and go on with our day.

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But we received an audiotape that purports to be a recording of an early script meeting for Click. Can we vouch for its authenticity? No. But if it isn’t real, there’s a spectacularly convincing Adam Sandler sound-alike. If the tape is real, it was certainly made without the knowledge of at least some of the participants. Some parts we’ve redacted in the interest of decorum. But we think the idea of what’s being said comes across clearly.

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[Tape begins mid-conversation]

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Sandler: … win a [expletive] Oscar, man! I’m [expletive] sick and tired of being a [expletive] joke! [Expletive] [expletive] audiences. All they ever [expletive] want is [expletive] fart jokes and a [expletive] dog humpin’ my leg.

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Male Voice 1: I think what we’ve been trying to say is … [long pause] … We really don’t think it would be a good idea for you to remake It’s a Wonderful Life.

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Male Voice 2: It’s just that ... well, you know the scene when they fall into the pool?

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Sandler: Yeah?

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Male Voice 2: Well, in an Adam Sandler movie, it would have to be a cesspool.

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Sandler: [guffaws of laughter] Oh, man, that’d be [expletive] awesome! Write that down!

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[About 20 minutes of discussion follow during which Sandler and the two male voices'believed to be screenwriters Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe'hash out how to add toilet humor to It’s a Wonderful Life]

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Female Voice: Ummmm, Mr. Sandler, sir?

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Sandler: What the [expletive]?

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Female Voice: Well, sir, I’ve been doing some research online while you’ve been talking, and it seems that the rights to It’s a Wonderful Life are not available. It seems that they’re tied up in some sort of issue over Frank Capra’s estate.

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[Editor’s note: We’re not sure that this is true. We think this may have been merely the quick thinking of a Happy Madison intern attempting to save a classic film.]

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Sandler: [Expletive]! ... Wait a [expletive] second! You [expletive]s wrote Bruce Almighty, right? Write me another mother[expletive] Bruce Almighty.

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Male Voice 1: We do have one idea, Mr. Sandler. It’s about a universal remote control.

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Sandler: So the [expletive] what? I got [expletive] remote controls comin’ outta my [expletive].

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Male Voice 2: Yeah, but do any of them control the universe? You know, you could use it to mute your wife when she’s nagging, fast-forward through all the boring stuff in life, like your kids whining, and use it to give yourself more time to suck up to the boss.

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Male Voice 1: Right! But he’d learn that all the stuff he was fast-forwarding through was actually the really important stuff in life. Like ... maybe he could miss the death of his dog, and he could be really upset about that.

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Sandler: The dog’s gotta [expletive] hump something. Not my leg.

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Male Voice 2: Oh, yeah. Maybe, I don’t know, a giant stuffed animal.

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Sandler: And some [expletive] hot chick’s gotta play my wife.

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Male Voice 2: Someone really gorgeous. Maybe Kate Beckinsale.

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Sandler: So, like, I’d use the remote to go on slo-mo when I’m [expletive]ing her, right?

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Male Voice 2: No, no. You’ve got you’re priorities all screwed up. You’re working all the time, ignoring her. You’re fast-forwarding through making love to her.

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Sandler: I’m [expletive] what?!

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Male Voice 1: Yes! You see, at the end, you learn that you spent your whole life on autopilot and missed all the good stuff.

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Sandler: Like the dog dyin’. And [expletive]ing Kate Beckinsale.

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Male Voice 2: Exactly.

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Sandler: And people like this [expletive]? They need to be told that [expletive]ing Kate Beckinsale is better than goin’ to [expletive] work all the time?

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Male Voice 1: They eat it up, sir.

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Sandler: [Expletive]. Well, you [expletive]s are the mother[expletive] experts. But I swear, I want a big mother[expletive] ending. I mean big swelling music and [expletive], and slow-motion and, like, me [expletive] running in the rain, all dramatic, like a big [expletive] Oscar clip.

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Male Voice 2: You got it.

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Sandler: [expletive] A.