• John Taylor
• Dottie S. Dixon

Welcome. So ya just moved ta Zion, not ta worry and such as that. This place is geographically beautiful and divershul, even though people-wise and monticulturally, we are somewhat caddywampus! Gadfreys, there’s sa much ta infarm ya about, but I am gonna do my besta git alla ya upta speed. And you are gonna love it. No kiddin’, kid.

Now, I’m well-known fer bein’ the faremost expert on teachin’ Basic Utah Mormon. I’ve donea beginnin’ as well as advanced series. Hopefully, this’ll help you newbies make yer migratory patterns eversa much easier.

Please open yer hearts and read my li’l article here and you’ll be understandin’ and even better speakin’ Mormon with yer neighbors, friends and co-workers in no time atol. These basics are guaranteed ta impress any set a visitin’ teachers who ring yer doorbell.

“Sa” “Ta” & “Fer”

I always say it’s good ta begin with basics, so let’s begin with yer basic prepositions: sa, ta and fer. That’s Mormon fer “so,” “to” and “for”—get it? The general principle ta be applied is one of val substitution. You just sarta replace the val in each word with a new one.

Example: “Sa fine, sa good, sa true,” “Goin’ ta, went ta, been ta,” “Fer, fer fun, fer special, fer sure.”

Ain’t this funner than a twofer coupon ta the Chuck-A-Rama?

The same thing goes fer yer A’s and yer I’s.

“Lord=Lard, Cord=Card, Bored=Bared,” “Pickle=Peckle, Milk=Melk, Pillow=Pellow.”

So ya pray ta the Lard, not the Lord. And if ya git a testamonial burnin’—it’s down in yer bals.

See how easy? Get it? Got it? Good?

Directions

Now, bein’ new, you’ll also need ta know yer basic directions. If it’s narth of where ya are, then you say it’s upta. If it’s south er west of where yer standin’, then it’s downta, and if you have ta leave town completely ta git there, then it’s overta.

Example: “The big yearly bra sale upta Sears was sa enticin’, I drove downta Magna ta pick up my sister Wendy, and then we drove overta Salt Lake tagether, ta be first in line.

Verbs & Conjalagations

Also, very impartant is yer verbs and their conjalagations.

Example: “I was, you was, we was,” “he/she/it/they was,” “I seen, you seen, we seen, he/she/it/they seen.” “I done, you done, he/she/it/they done.”

Conjalagations is a breeze, just choose one form of the verb and stick with it.

Word Conglomeration

Now, onta word conglomeration. The trick ta speakin’ effective Mormon ista be as economical as possible. You just take two words and slam ’em together jist as hard as you can, such as “fer rude,” or “fer ignernt.”

Example: “Like (frude/frignernt/frinstance/frever).”

The trick is just ta run as many words together as possible.

The Missing T

OK, most impartantly. You’ll never be able ta speak affective Mormon until ya have a firm grasp on what I liketa call The Case of the Missing T.

This applies mainly to mutlisylarabic words with either one or two Ts in the middle of ’em. In Mormon, ya gist drop those Ts back inta yer throat and swallow ’em.

Example:

Mountain=Mou-un

Kitten=Ki-un

Bitten=Bi-un

Sitting=Si-un

Fountain=Fou-un

Tighten=Ti-un

Fatten=Fa-un

Button=Bu-un

Carton=Car-un

Layton=Lay-un

“I was over the Point of the Mou-un, up near Lay-un, si-un by a fou-un, pe-un my li-ul ki-un, whose name was Mi-un. All of the sudden, she was bi-un by a woof!”

Simply Terrific Tips fer Livin’ Amongst the Mormons

Almost Totally Acceptable Mormon Cuss Words:

Heck

Fetch

Fetchin’

Freakin’

Poop er poopy

Two-bit harlot

Gaddamn

Gadfreys

Darn

Darnit

(The followin’ ta be used sparingly, and only when yer really upset)

Good Hell

Hellfries

Hellamighty

Mormon artsy and craftsy words, eversa helpful in decoratin’:

Glommy

Glarpy

Goopy

Gobbie

Example: “Her glue sticks were old and glarpy, and when she turned on her hot-glue gun ta do her holiday wreaths, the glue come out really goopy, and the red velvetine leafs stuck tagether in all the wrong places and was all glommy, which made the final product too gobbie.”