Eight little-known new Utah laws that went into effect on Monday, May 5:

8. Alcoholic “sidecars” have been replaced with scratch-’n’-sniff “sidecards” that at least smell like real drinks.

7. Children under 10 are no longer allowed outside without choke collars.

6. Scratch that: Children under 10 are no longer allowed outside, period.

5. Xeriscaped yards are now required for homeowners who pronounce the “X” in “xeriscape.”

4. All smoking has been relegated to a 20-square-foot area in North Salt Lake.

3. Mobile-home residents must now be given four-months’ notice before Blue Collar Comedy Tour tickets go on sale.

2. Tourists will be arrested upon third instance of saying, “Well, that’s not how it is in California …”

1. Satirical newspaper columns must be labeled as “satire” for the benefit of dumber readers … damn.