Eight more things you don’t want to hear around the Thanksgiving dinner table:

8. “Uncle Ron canceled—but he said to watch for him on the To Catch a Predator marathon today.”

7. “No, it’s not Tofurkey, it’s even better: Tirekey, made from recycled car radials!”

6. “Home for the Holidays was all rented out, so I got The Ingmar Bergman Collection.”

5. “Surprise! This entire meal came from Carl’s Jr.!”

4. “Who’s ready to watch six hours of Argentine soccer?”

3. “You know, you can barely taste the vodka in the cranberry sauce.”

2. “Pay no attention to the camera crew; that’s just for my reality show.”

1. “The restraining order applies to holidays, too?”