Eight features and performers canceled at the last minute for the 2014 Utah Arts Festival:

8. The Excommunication Station stage for former LDS Church member rants and manifestos.

7. The Banjopocalypse®.

6. Spit n’ Tuck: A Transgender Tribute to the Saliva Sisters.

5. Dave Chappelle.

4. The DABC’s Beer-Free Beer Garden & No-Fun Zone.

3. Toddler Octagon Kiddie Fight Night.

2. The fake Irish band called in to replace the other fake Irish band who have since confirmed.

1. Wiseguys Comedy & Doug’s Shoot’n Sports Present: Open-Carry Open Mic.