Gone in 60 Seconds (Buena Vista, PG-13) Retired car thief Memphis Raines (Nicholas Cage) must swipe 50 exotic rides in 24 hours to save his little brother (Giovanni Ribisi) from getting even more uglied-up by a bad-ass crime boss. Killer car chases, volume-enhanced soundtrack blasts, sub-retardo dialogue and just a pinch of T&A (lippy Angelina Jolie in … dreads). Smells like Bruckheimer! (Released Dec. 7)
Groove (Sony Pictures Classics, R) Is it a Thank God It’s Friday for the rave generation? An underground travel brochure for San Francisco? A love story brought to you by the letter “E”? A phat soundtrack with pretty pictures? Man, I just don’t remember. (Dec. 7)
Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps (Universal, PG-13) Eddie Murphy returns as Professor Klump, Buddy Love and a whole bunch of other characters who fart. Having extracted the Buddy Love DNA from his bloodstream, Klump is becoming more stupid by the minute—if you can’t find an allegory for this franchise and co-star Janet Jackson’s agent, so are you. (Dec. 7)
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Snowman (A-Pix, R) Evil snowman Jack is back and out for vengeance against his archenemy, Sheriff Sam, who’s vacationing in the Caribbean. Holiday fun for the whole family ensues when Jack freezes the island, kills everyone and reunites with his long-lost brother, a hack writer for a lefty alternative newsweekly. (Dec. 12)
Men Cry Bullets (ID Films, NR) Twisted feminist indie-comedy alert: A wimpy drag queen cowboy (Steve Nelson) tracks down the writer (Honey Lauren) who ruined his show’s debut, only to be raped and dominated by her. Naturally, this begins a healthy, steady relationship—until Honey’s hottie debutante cousin (Star Trek: Voyager’s Jeri Ryan) becomes obsessed with getting into his pantyhose, too. Some drag queens have all the luck. (Dec. 12)
The Road to El Dorado (DreamWorks, PG) Two Spanish con men (Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh) get their sweet ’55 Cadillac convertible boosted by Memphis Raines. (Dec. 12)
Scary Movie (Dimension, R) Sure, it’s a parody, but did Scream, The Blair Witch Project, The Matrix or The Sixth Sense have Carmen Elektra running through sprinklers in her underwear, or Keenan Ivory Wayans being stabbed in the head with a dildo? They should have. (Dec. 12)
Shaft (Paramount, R) Sure, it’s a slick ’n’ pointless two-hour remake, but Samuel L. Jackson looks damn fine as the black private dick who gets all the chicks, don’t he? (Dec. 12)
The Cell (New Line, R) Jennifer Lopez zaps into the subconscious of a comatose serial killer to try on sexy outfits and learn the whereabouts of his latest victim, finally resorting in desperation to the cruelest of all confession-inducing tortures: playing her latest album. (Dec. 19)
Chuck & Buck (Artisan, R) Childhood “pals” Chuck (Chris Weitz) and Buck (Mike White) are reunited at Buck’s mom’s funeral, then creepy Buck follows Chuck back to L.A. and stalks him—in an endearing way, of course. They loved this at the last Sundance fest, so don’t forget to pick a star to stalk back to Hollywood next month—in an endearing way, of course. (Dec. 19)
Loser (Columbia Tri-Star, PG-13) And if you think stalking is funny, how ’bout college dudes slipping date-rape drugs to unsuspecting coeds? Hee-larious! (Dec. 19)
Road Trip (DreamWorks, R) And if you think date rape is funny, how ‘bout a whole movie based around Tom Green? You’ll take date rape? Let’s compromise: Tom Green being pistol-whipped by Shaft while forcibly listening to the new Jennifer Lopez album, cool? (Dec. 19)
Saving Grace (New Line, R) It’s 4:20, British-style, as a cash-light widow grows her own (that’s marijuana, squares) to make ends meet. Things go awry when she hires Pedro and Man to deliver the wacky tobaccy across the border, disguised in the form of a “fiberweed” van. (Dec. 19)
Small Time Crooks (DreamWorks, PG) Smart, funny Woody Allen bank-heist comedy that slyly transforms into a slobs-as-rich-folk comedy without ever touching the vault—how Woody is that? Dumbing-down-of-America factoid: Road Trip made nearly six times more money for DreamWorks than Small Time Crooks did. (Dec. 19)
The Virgin Suicides (Paramount Classics, R) First-time director Sofia Coppola—no, wait, don’t turn the page—nails teenhood with the stylishly adapted story of five mysterious adolescent girls as seen through the eyes of the suburban boys trying to figure them out, helped along by some perfectly bad ’70s poodle-rock. Hey, if all you listened to were Styx and ELO, you’d kill yourself too. (Dec. 19)
Where the Money Is (USA, PG-13) A master bank robber (eternal film stud Paul Newman) fakes a stroke, earns a get-out-of-jail-free card, and enlists Linda Fiorentino (mmmrrow!) and Dermot Mulroney to pull off that One Last Bank Heist—yes, the one that Woody Allen couldn’t swing. (Dec. 19)
The Art of War (Warner Bros., R) FilmThreat.com’s Ron Wells says, “More like The Art of Crap!” Stunning. See how easy it is to be an Internet movie critic? (Dec. 26)
Godzilla 2000 (Columbia Tri-Star, PG-13) Made in Japan once again, ToHo’s “new” Godzilla kicks it old school after Hollywood blew it in ’98, replete with the rubber reptile suit, cardboard city, cheesy effects (though gussied up with new-school CGI) and dubbed English! Merry Xmas! Get it on markdown! Watch for Godzilla & Buck’s Groove, wherein ’Zilla infiltrates the San Francisco rave scene with his new pal/stalker, at Sundance next month. (Dec. 26)
