President Barack Obama gains the same special status as condoms, cavemen, and Baudelaire.---

If poison, arson, sex, narcotics, knives have not yet ruined us, then surely President Barack Obama will. The socialist dictator of the once United States has decided to speak to students in a national broadcast, pushing his agenda as the head of the Liberal Socialist Communist Pinko Fascist Gay Hippie community organizers.

How dare he?

Thankfully, school districts have rushed to the defense of their students, who they fear might actually be educated by things like a presidential speech and the ensuing debate. And education is certainly not something any upstanding American would support, which makes the purpose of his speech even more disturbing:

During this special address, the president will speak directly to the nation’s children and youth about persisting and succeeding in school.

My. God. It's insidious, this president's insistence on speaking to children. If we allow this to happen, the fall-out will be horrendous. Right off the bat, C-Span's audience share will jump, which is obviously a primary motivation for this speech because better C-Span ratings means more opportunity for them to air debates hosted by a Democratic Congress. Oh, and if he's really successful, he might actually demand a prime time slot, which would then bump the latest iteration of the completely American heterosexual Dancing With... show.

But, as I said, thankfully schools have rushed in to save their children. With a type of foresight unseen since sex ed or evolution debates, multiple districts in Utah have issued letters to parents offering to allow their children to opt out of the speech. Thank. God.

Myself, the whole controversy brings back a college memory, when a professor had us read a poem by Baudelaire that contained the word "fuck." After letting the class know that poem included the word "fuck," he then said that if anybody was offended by the word "fuck," he had an alternative assignment for them: explain the difference, in literary terms, between "fuck" and its sugar-free substitutes for Mormons, "freak" and "fetch."

Hopefully, the "other meaningful work" that can be assigned, as described in a Jordan School District memo, is something along those same lines. Personally, I would suggest an essay on convenient patriotism.