Brett Favre swears he isn't out for revenge. ---
I didn't write it, it was sent to me by a rabid football fan...
It only seems that way. Because beneath the hullabaloo of his never-really-left comeback -- the smiling, the posing with Minnesota Vikings jerseys, the bandage-wrapped elbow on his first day of practice -- lies a trail of collateral damage, a list of individuals for whom Favre's flip-flopping, glory-grubbing gain counts as a loss.
In short: People who got Favre'd.
What does it mean to get Favre'd? It means your life has been inexorably altered by No. 4's pseudo-return. It means you're now at the mercy of Favre's achy joints, ill-advised passes and waffling psyche. It means the ol' gunslinger just drew a royal flush, and you'll have to scramble to stay in the game.
Herein, the losers big and small of Favre-a-palooza '09:
Status: Wondering if he'll ever get the opportunity to hand Adrian Peterson the ball again.
Pre-Favre'd: Presumptive starting quarterback for the Vikings.
Post-Favre'd: Presumptive sideline ball cap model for the Vikings.
Next move: Stay healthy and wait.
Rating: F Tarvaris Jackson
Status: Wondering if he'll still be employed in two weeks.
Pre-Favre'd: Presumptive Vikings backup quarterback.
Post-Favre'd: Presumably grateful the word "depth" precedes "chart."
Next move: Quietly root against fellow potential odd-man-out John David Booty; hope that national economy recovers enough to facilitate revival of Arena League; polish grocery-stocking skills. (It worked for Kurt Warner!)
Status: Similar to a victorious presidential candidate. Got what he wanted ... and now he has to deal with it.
Pre-Favre'd: Vikings coach figured to take some heat from fans if talented team failed to reach postseason.
Post-Favre'd: Figures to be tarred, feathered and dispatched to a broadcast booth if club doesn't reach Super Bowl -- even though Favre is a brittle 39-year-old, his backups are bewildered and alienated, his receiving corps is unproven and an otherwise under-the-radar franchise just became the NFL's answer to a fire truck manned by circus clowns.
Next move: Contact the Phoenix Suns trainers that kept Grant Hill and Shaquille O'Neal healthy. Ask them to name a price. And if Eric Mangini calls, pick up the phone.
Status: Optimistic about seeing eight defenders in the box instead of nine.
Pre-Favre'd: Vikings running back/fantasy football deity expected to have a huge season.
Post-Favre'd: Still figures to have a huge season -- only guess which nationally known heartburn medication pitchman now gets to share in the credit?
Next move: Query Terrell Davis about John Elway single-handedly leading the Denver Broncos to two Super Bowl titles. Take notes.
Minnesota Vikings Fans
Status: Can't believe the hottest girl in high school just asked them out on a date. Even though they graduated in 1992, and it's now 2009.
Pre-Favre'd: Loyal fans who rightfully hate anyone wearing green and gold. As cautiously optimistic as anyone can be about a guy named Sage.
Post-Favre'd: Have always been at war with Eurasia. Furious that Favre suffered Oscar snub for cameo in "There's Something About Mary." Make it right, Academy!
Next Move: Taunt Green Bay Packers fans, purchase No. 4 Vikings jerseys by the metric ton. Pray that those jerseys don't end up on the same island as Jerry Rice's Seattle Seahawks jersey and Michael Jordan's Washington Bullets throwback. Oh, and Favre's New York Jets jersey. Gulp.