"Avoid the world, it's just a lot of dust and drag and means nothing in the end." — Jack Kerouac ---
That sound you hear? Death. Maybe tomorrow, maybe decades from now. And it will find you in ways you probably never expect. For instance, box springs and FM radio are potential carcinogens. Box springs, I always assumed, were only designed to provide a convenient hiding place for porno mags -- for the kiddies reading this, those are the lo-fi paper version of the naked women you can now find by just changing your search preferences in Google. And radio is obviously toxic, especially if you've recently listened to the suck-crap celebration of bad music from my generation on 101.9. (Salt N' Pepa, Spice Girls and C C Music Factory? That's what defines Gen X?)
Those aren't the only things that will, potentially, kill you in the news today. A quick rundown of all of the ways in which you may die:
* Nuke waste. A federal judge has given new life to the Goshute's high-level nuke waste dump. If Sam Granato's smart, he'll be asking Mike Lee immediately whether he supports the Goshute's sovereign rights to manage their land, even if most of the Goshute's don't actually want it. But, he's not asking.
* Hookah smoke, which is still legal in Utah County, even though a session of puffing is like smoking five packs of cigarettes. (Yes, I just wrote that something is "still legal in Utah County.") What they need is legislative help, apparently. Call Tim Cosgrove! He's already looking at banning spice.
* War will kill you. That's not why Rep. Jason Chaffetz voted against it, but still. He's saving lives. At least, until his flower-pansy cut-and-run attitude causes more terrorist attacks.
* My personal proof that the end is near? Utah State reportedly has a good quarterback.
* If nothing else, Whitney Houston's third arm will kill you. That's what smoking out of a hookah, sleeping on box springs and listening to ... Whitney Houston ... will do to you.
Now, what won't kill you that's in the news today?
* Election finance laws. The Senate could not muster the 60 votes needed to bring the Disclosure Act to the floor, which essentially sought to overturn the U.S. Supreme Court ruling that said corporations can behave like extremely rich humans and donate unlimited amounts of cash to candidates. The problem with the bill, according to lame duck Sen. Bob Bennett, is that "this bill goes against corporations and their right of free speech." Ironically, the loss may actually help Democrats.
* Who says blogs are all smart-ass commentary with no real reporting? Well, Doug Robinson, but he's a hack. (For the record, I told him this while I was still at the D-News.) Over on our own Salt Blog, Jesse Fruhwirth does some nice computer-assisted reporting to give a whole lot of so-far unreported details about the suspected Tiburon, et al, arsonist.
* A completely unbiased journalist at HuffPo touts Jon Huntsman Jr. for the presidency of ... I don't know. Not a 2012 candidate, although he would be good. Maybe of China. He's also compared favorably to Bill Clinton.
* Cold beer will definitely not kill you, but it can certainly spoil good beer. Mark Alston, the owner of The Bayou who knows more than a little about good beer, does a smack-down of our recent Coldest Beer issue and explains at what temperatures certain beers should be drank. For the record, I'm a beer snob, and agree with everything he says. I'm also a journalist, so I'm currently drinking Milwaukee's Best. Premium, though, if that makes a difference.
* You know what else won't kill you? Gin and tonics. Years ago, the communications director for the Capitol Preservation Board, Allyson Gamble, said that the balconies on the second floor of the new State Capitol would be great places to have a gin and tonic. I have yet to try it, but now that she is the executive director of the board, I'd like to make a completely fair offer: Allyson, you open the doors, I'll bring the gin. And tonic. And lime. While you're at it, invite Tim Cosgrove.
The Open Container Update will be published every afternoon on the Salt Blog. At least, I hope so.