What’s new tonight:
The Bachelor (ABC) Season Premiere: Besides the return of bachelor Brad Womack, who turned down both remaining skanks, er, bachelorettes three years ago on this wretched reality series, the biggest news is … there’s a contestant from Salt Lake City! Not really, but SLC hair stylist Michelle Money (right) will at least give local media something to “report” on until Logan tubby Rulon Gardner turns up on The Biggest Loser tomorrow night. Will Brad find True Love with her or any of the 29 other strangers this season? Somehow, I can’t bring myself to give a fraction of a shit.
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) Season Premiere: Here’s what I know about Pretty Little Liars: 1. It’s about four slutty-looking high-school girls who mysteriously lost a fifth slutty-looker at a sleepover party years ago, whom they then thought was haunting them until her body turned up and now no one knows who this nagging “A” person is—it’s, like, mysterious. 2. It’s based on an equally stupid book series. 3. It’s on before Greek (also season-premiering tonight). 4. Teen girls can’t bring themselves to give a fraction of a shit about what I think.
The Craiglist Killer (Lifetime) Original Movie: Based on the true story of Phillip Markoff, the man who attacked and killed women he found on Craigslist—hence, the title. Too bad any dramatic impact the real-crime movie might have had is completely diluted by the casting of William Baldwin (!) as the case’s “lead detective.” Was Lorenzo Lamas unavailable?
Also new tonight:
Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, Rules of Engagement, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); Greek (ABC Family); The Closer, Men of a Certain Age (TNT); Hoarders (A&E); Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives (Food Network)
Preview: Women still line up for Brad, and viewers still watch The Bachelor. Yet more proof that Idiocracy was a documentary, not a comedy.