The first (secret) programming decision of the new NBC/Kabletown, er, Comcast merger? I think it was to leave Parenthood put on Tuesdays and punt Law & Order: Los Angeles to limbo. But that’s just my conspiracy theory. ---

What’s new tonight:
American Idol (Fox) Season Premiere: Here’s the grand total of my opinion on American Idol 3.0: Fuck Jennifer Lopez, fuck Randy Jackson, fuck Ryan Seacrest, fuck Ford, fuck Coca-Cola, fuck all of the contestants, and especially fuuuccck Steven Tyler destroying what little cred Aerosmith had left. And then fuck it all over again tomorrow night, and every week after.

Modern Family (ABC) Meanwhile, Modern Family stars Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson have taken to Twitter to remind everyone that their show is the intelligent choice over the above-mentioned karaoke catastrophe. Tweeted Stonestreet: “Watch Modern Family 2night NOT American Idol! I mean, a Simonless idol? That's kinda like a Beaverless Leave It To Beaver or...? Ur turn.” And Ferguson: “I can't believe @SofiaVergara & Julie Bowen make out in tonights episode. Guess you better DVR #AmericanIdol and watch #ModernFamily live.” Sold!

Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) Compared to Retired at 35 below, returning geezette sitcom Hot in Cleveland is almost genius. Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, Wendie Malick and Betty White are back for Season 2 of this inexplicably popular throwback—is it a parody of a terrible ’80s sitcom? An homage? An elaborate “art” joke played on TV Land-viewing rubes? Maybe they’ve succeeded where HBO’s Lucky Louie failed …

Retired at 35 (TV Land) Series Debut: Former Arrested Development/current Archer star Jessica Walter and ex-Just Shoot Me star George Segal play the parents of a corporate executive who decides to drop out of the stressful business world and move in with the folks in Florida. It’s supposed to be a sitcom, but it’s all sit and no com(edy)—the network is probably hoping you can’t find the remote after Cleveland. Related: Exactly how long do we have to wait for The Abe Vigoda Experience, TV Land?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Better With You, Cougar Town, Off the Map (ABC); Live to Dance, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods (CBS); Minute to Win It, Chase, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); Dog the Bounty Hunter, Storage Wars (A&E); Mythbusters (Discovery); Ghost Hunters International (SyFy); Top Chef All-Stars (Bravo); The Walking Dead Mini-Marathon (AMC); Conan (TBS)

Preview: The ladies of Hot in Cleveland still look great, for being older than two Steven Tylers …