I’ll be in lovely San Francisco for the rest of the week, so let’s take care of tonight through Sunday while we’re all right here. And yes, I already knew Utah’s Bachelor contestant was a ‘ho. Didn't you? ---

What’s new tonight:
Face Off (Syfy) Series Debut: It’s a reality-competition show pitting special F/X makeup artists against one another—who can best transform an actor into a hideous monster? So, really, it’s just the reverse of The Real Housewives series. Or the same.

Also new tonight:
Cougar Town, Off the Map (ABC); Live to Dance, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods (CBS); Minute to Win It, Chase (NBC); American Idol (Fox); Dog the Bounty Hunter, Storage Wars (A&E); Hot in Cleveland, Retired at 35 (TV Land); Ghost Hunters Int’l (Syfy); Being Erica (SoapNet); Conan (TBS)

What’s new Thursday:
Nikita (The CW) Return: The show ain’t named Alex, but she (Lyndsy Fonseca) sure is crowding Nikita’s (Maggie Q) screen time as the season rolls on. Tonight, Alex moves out of the Division training facility and into “normal” life as a field agent—but, of course, she’ll screw up and Nikita will be there to save her narrow ass every week. Oh, and Section has implanted a tracking (and brain killswitch) chip in Alex’s head. Parents just can’t let go.

Archer (FX) Season Premiere: Read all about it in True TV (Item 1).

Also new Thursday:
Wipeout (ABC); Community, Perfect Couples, The Office, 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, Outsourced (NBC); American Idol, Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries (The CW); Ace of Cakes (Food Network); Royal Pains, Fairly Legal (USA); Jersey Shore (MTV); The First 48 (A&E); Conan (TBS)

What’s new Friday:
Fringe (Fox) Read all about it in True TV (Item 2).

Working Class (CMT) Series Debut: It’s a redneck sitcom from the former Country Music Television and, needless to say, it makes shit like Hot in Cleveland look like highbrow Showtime fare. Ed Asner … why?

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) The 200th Episode: And yet, you know he’ll find something to be pissed-off about. Like, say, tonight’s guest lineup?: Commentator Will Cain, former Canadian prime minister Kim Campbell, Ga. Rep. Jack Kingston. Actor-comedian D.L. Hughley and former Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele.

Also new Friday:
Kitchen Nightmares (Fox); Smallville, Supernatural (The CW); The Onion News Network, Portlandia (IFC); WWE Smackdown, Merlin (Syfy); The Ricky Gervais Show, Funny or Die Presents (HBO); Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (Starz)

What’s new Saturday:
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (Syfy) Read all about it in True TV (Item 3).

Saturday Night Live (NBC) Jesse Eisenberg hosts; Nicki Minaj sings. I think I’ve heard of at least one of these people.

What’s new Sunday:
The Lost Valentine (CBS) Read all about it in True TV (Item 4).

Mongo Wrestling Alliance (Adult Swim) New Series: Just as The Onion SportsDome proved that you can make a funnier version of SportsCenter, Mongo Wrestling Alliance finds even more (very twisted) humor in professional wrestling—even better, it’s produced by Metalocalypse co-creator Tommy Blacha.

Also new Sunday:
Extreme Makeover Home Edition (ABC); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Holly’s World (E!); The Screen Actors Guild Awards (TBS/TNT); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); Californication, Episodes, Shameless (Showtime); Big Love (HBO)