What’s new tonight:

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Season Premiere: Being over 14 and the owner of a penis, I really have no idea what’s been going on with TVD over the past two seasons, but I do know this: It can’t possibly be any more ridiculous than what’s been going on over at True Blood … right? ---Sez The CW about Season 3 opener “The Birthday”: “On the morning of Elena's (Nina Dobrev) 18th birthday, Caroline (Candice Accola) is busy planning a party, but Elena is focused on searching for any clues that might help her discover where Stefan (Paul Wesley) is. Damon (Ian Somerhalder) is also searching for Stefan, while trying to protect Elena and keep her from doing anything that would draw Klaus' (Joseph Morgan) attention. Meanwhile, Klaus and Stefan are busy trailing a werewolf named Ray Sutton (guest star David Gallagher, Super 8). Now working at the Mystic Grill along with Matt (Zach Roerig), Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is struggling to understand why he keeps seeing the ghosts of Vicki (guest star Kayla Ewell) and Anna (guest star Malese Jow) since he was brought back to life by Bonnie's (Kat Graham) magic. Meanwhile, Alaric (Matt Davis) does his best to watch over Elena and Jeremy, while dealing with his grief over Jenna's death. Finally, Caroline and Tyler (Michael Trevino) face a new and unexpected challenge.” Whew. You got served, Bon Temps.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Series Debut: Read about it in True TV (Item 2).

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Season Premiere: Read about it in True TV (Item 1).

Archer (FX) Mini-Season Premiere: This “special assignment” run is only for three weeks, as The League returns on Oct. 6; Archer’s third season premieres for real early 2012. In the “Heart of Archness” trilogy, Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) is hiding out in the South Pacific after the murder of his fiancée at the end of last season—and then, naturally, he becomes a pirate king. Guest voices: Patrick Warburton and David Cross.

CMT Made: Roller Derby (CMT) Derby Alert: A divorcee single mom joins Colorado’s Rocky Mountain Rollergirls to “get her life together.” Because roller-derby girls are just models of stability.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout (season finale, ABC); Project Runway, Dance Moms, Russian Dolls (Lifetime); Impact Wrestling (Spike); Jersey Shore (MTV)

An Archer crossover with It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Dare to dream …