Oh, tut tut! Ben & Jerry, those purveyors of pornographic ice cream, have introduced a new rum-and-malt-ball flavor that has the tongues of approximately 1,000,000 mothers clucking up a storm. ---

According to the American Family Association's "One Million Moms" project, Ben & Jerry's new "Schweddy Balls" confection, named in tribute to a popular Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Alec Baldwin, "sounds anything but appealing. ... The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket."

Now, I'm not sure why these million moms are sending out their innocent children unsupervised to do the family grocery shopping. But kids are smart; they know from a very early age exactly where to find the ice cream. It's in the freezer section. Any child cheeky enough to ask a store employee explicitly for something called "Schweddy Balls" is already in on the joke. The true innocents spend their time wandering, bewildered, about the store, wondering why Mom quit doing the shopping herself, and why she put such specific, hard-to-find items on the grocery list.

For that matter, how rich are these Million Moms that they can afford to feed the good ice cream to the children? Ben & Jerry's is not cheap. Smart moms know that their kids' unsophisticated palates are satisfied with those gallon-size off-brand plastic tubs. Ben & Jerry's is ice cream for grown-ups.

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