Dear GYA, I can't believe I didn't make England's Olympic soccer team. I'm a little bummed because I've been training all year for this. Do you have any idea how much I had to workout so I'd look good in my H&M underwear ads? ---Plus, I've been on a steady diet of Burger King smoothies. Bunch of bollocks. Well, it looks like I got some time off. Anything good happening this weekend? - David Beckham 

David, I can't believe that all your endorsement work hasn't paid off. Hmm, looks like you're going to have to step up your underwear-ad campaigns.  Here are some ideas for your weekend: 

Let's start with Friday:

- Stand-up comedian Louie Anderson will be on stage at Wiseguys Ogden, beginning at 9 p.m. 

- For even more stand-up comedy action, check out 10 of Utah's funniest at Comedy With a Complex at 8 p.m.

- Crucial Fest 2012 continues at Bar Deluxe, starting at 9 p.m.  

- At 8 p.m., the post-hardcore band Hawthorne Heights will be performing at Velour.   

- Local rapper Dusk One will be hosting his CD release party at Urban Lounge, beginning at 10 p.m.

- Brewskis is going heavy metal tonight, hosting local bands Spork, Danger Hailstorm, Thunderfist and the Hammercocks. The show starts at 9 p.m.

- At the Rocky Mountain Raceway, check out the Salt Lake Nitro Jam. 

- For some free outdoor movies, head to Snowbird Ski Resort at 8 p.m. for a screening of E.T., Riverside park for The Sandlot at 8 p.m. and  the Utah State Capitol for Puss In Boots, beginning at 7:30 p.m. 

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As for Saturday:  

- Squatters will be hosting a Downtown Tour De Coop. Basically, it's a self-guided tour of SLC urban chicken coops. The cluckin' starts at 9 a.m. 

- Up at Wolf Mountain Resort, the Utah Symphony will be presenting the Music in The Mountains Series at 8 p.m. 

- For all things roller-derby related, the Sisters of No Mercy will be taking on the Bomber Babes at 8 p.m. at the Salt Palace Convention Center. This marks the second appearance of the new banked track, so help support the effort and see some hard-hitting action.

- The Spazmatics will be on stage at Liquid Joe's tonight at 9 p.m. 

-  In Murray, there will be a Grand Opening of a brand-new Wing Nutz. They're giving away free wings for a year to the first 10 people in line at 11 a.m.

- The Comedy Murder Mystery Train will be happening tonight at Heber Valley Historic Railroad.

- As always, the Downtown Farmers Market will be going down at Pioneer Park, beginning at 8 a.m.

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And for Sunday's events:  

- The Main Library will be the scene of Craft Sabbath: July Boutique, starting at 1 p.m.  

- Surf guitar legend Dick Dale will be performing at Liquid Joe's tonight at 7 p.m.  

- The King's English Bookshop will be putting on a Where's Waldo Scavenger Hunt throughout the city. Click for more info.  

- The Park Silly Sunday Market will be going down in Park City, beginning at 10 a.m.

- At 9 p.m., Kasino Karaoke will be happening at Piper Down.

For this weekend's complete list of things to do, click here.  

Twitter: @WolfColin

Wolf is also the author of City Weekly's blog, The Secret Handshake.