Coming Soon: The Cabin Olympics | Buzz Blog
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Coming Soon: The Cabin Olympics


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This year, in the spirit of the Olympics, our family has decided to put a fun and exciting touch on our annual trip to the family cabin in Flaming Gorge: The Cabin Olympics.---

Every year, my family goes up to the cabin for a well-deserved weekend of R&R. While there, we always do a variety of things such as fishing and playing badminton, tons of card games, darts, horseshoes -- you name it, and if it is cabin related we have done it. Our cabin was built by my grandpa way back at the dawn of time, and his three children—my mom and her two sisters—periodically go there with their families to vacation along with my grandparents. 

My mom’s side of the family is already crazy at it is, and is fairly large, as well, consisting of 14 people—me, my mom and dad, my brother, two aunts, uncle, four cousins, one of my cousin's husband, and my grandparents. It is a rare occasion that all of our schedules work out so that we all can go to the cabin at the same time, and when it was able to happen this year, we knew it was going to be special. Once we had chosen the weekend to hold these sacred Olympics, it was time to go to work.

First on the agenda was the drafting of the teams. We would be split into three teams, two of five players and one of four, and the draft was to be held two weeks in advance of the weekend to allow for team practices. The captains were chosen to be my grandpa, my grandma, and one of my cousins who was recently married.

We all held our breath on draft day as if it were David Stern himself walking to the draft podium to announce the picks one by one. After some serious deliberation, the teams were set. Grandpa’s team was announced first. His team consisted of himself (the cabin veteran), my brother (a bearded-college baseball player with a deep love of country music), my cousin Parker (a Westminster-bound college-basketball player with a wild fashion sense), my uncle Jack (an avid golfer and double-bogey lover), and my cousin Zoe (a young drama queen with a hankering for hot 12-year-old boys). Grandma’s team was next. Her squad was herself (the matriarch and manager of the family), myself (the college-basketball-playing, ultra-competitive white boy), my aunt Denise (a gift-basket-loving, pee-wee-baseball tycoon), my aunt Suzanne (animal enthusiast and old-person lover), and my cousin Nathan (the seventh-grade Mr. Fix-It-All who could build an entire city out of Legos). The third and final team was captained by my recently married cousin Morgan. Aside from herself (the Pintrest-loving craftswoman), her team consisted of her husband, Phil (the former baseball-playing frat boy), my mom, Christy (the hiker extraordinaire and advocate of world peace), and my dad, Mike (the science-loving cowboy on the quest for greater knowledge).

Upon learning of our teams, we set to work deciding who would be competing in what events. We had team events, such as “Who Can Take the Best Planking Picture,” “Team Dance-off” (where each team picks a song to perform a dance to) and “The Plunger Game.” We also had individual events, such as fishing, bubblegum-blowing contests, and darts. And we can't forget the two-on-two competitions such as badminton and horseshoes. All in all, we decided upon 27 total events that would be held throughout the weekend. Each team had to decide what player would do what event, making sure that every competitor was involved in at least five events in addition to the team events, and that there were at least two competitors from every team in every event.

In each event there would be (in Olympic fashion) a gold, silver and bronze medal, with the totals being recorded on the huge Olympic Wall (two poster boards) we had created (taped together). We also created 174 total medals out of gold, silver, and bronze-colored aluminum foil. Teams also had to come up with team names and jerseys to be worn on the nights of the opening and closing ceremonies.

The opening ceremony would be done just like the real Olympics, with the announcement of each team, its players, and what events they would be competing in. My brother and I spent hours making player bio cards for each competitor, complete with aliases, strengths, weaknesses and a small player-info section. At the closing ceremony, we would consult the Olympic Big Board and see which team finished first in total medal count, as well as first in gold, silver and bronze medals, and give them their championship trophy (soccer-participation trophies that we found at Savers for 50 cents). We also came up with a few other individual awards to be handed out at the closing ceremony.

After much deliberation, we came up with six individual awards. First up, for an obvious reason, is the MVP, to go to the player who was the most important to their team’s success throughout the weekend. The award for the MVP is an old bowling trophy that was found at a garage sale. The second award was the Funniest Moment Award. This award was a tall, laughing statue that would be given to the person who had the funniest moment throughout the weekend. The third award was titled the MPP or Most Pathetic Person. This would be given to the person who would prove to be the worst and most pathetic competitor throughout the weekend. The award for the MPP might be a glorified roll of toilet paper or a busted-up trophy of some kind.

The fourth award is the Christian Service Award. This would be given to the person who best motivated and supported their team throughout all the struggles that everyone was sure to face during those four event-filled days. The trophy for this award is a large, pink cross and rosary. The fifth award is the Dud to Stud. This would be given to the person whom everyone expected to suck in competition but ended up dominating and winning the day. We have not yet decided on what the trophy for this award should be, so if you have any ideas, let’s hear ‘em! The sixth and final individual award we will be voting on is the Trip Dick. The Trip Dick trophy will be given to the individual who gets chippy with their teammates or other competitors, complains about doing the dishes, or anything along the lines of being a major “trip dick.” Naturally, the award for this event is an inscribed, massive dildo.

We are holding the first Cabin Olympics next weekend, and I could not be more excited. The teams are secretly planning practices, designing their jerseys and talking all kinds of smack to the other teams. This is surely going to be one hell of a weekend, and my family definitely rocks. Let the games begin!!