Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist -- a monthly, hand-picked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos and useless hoo-haa. For a writer, Craigslist can be a useful place to unearth story leads, but it comes with a cost. Unfortunately, not everything on Craigslist pans out as decent fodder and the deeper you dig, the more likely you'll unearth something you can't unsee. But that doesn't mean these links should go to waste. So, without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of weird:---
Craigslist title: Amish man needs eBay help. (Salt Lake)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Hi. I just moved here a couple weeks ago and I would like some help with doing eBay. If you would like, I can pay you, or maybe do a partnership deal. Let me know if you are interested. Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes--someone needs to help this man. If we've learned anything from the film Kingpin and those electric fireplaces in SkyMall, teaming up with the Amish is a surefire way to make easy money. Admit it, this guy's plan of slingin' artisinal goods on the interwebs is way better than anything you have going on at the moment.
Craigslist title: I need Margarine or butter - m4w - 38 (sandy)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I put recent pictures up so u know I'm not a freak. The pic doesn't matter for what I am looking for. By the way, I don't care if you are cute, ugly, fat, skinny, average--just a nice girl who won't try to harm me. My girlfriend just took off to visit her family so I don't have a car to go to the store. IF ANYBODY HAS A CUBE OF MARGARINE (or butter) I will pay you and make it worth your while! I will give you some of my famous caramel candy desert. It's almost finished except the margarine. I also just ordered pizza from Papa Johns. You can have all the pizza you can eat if u want. No joke. I seriously need margarine or butter.
First off, this picture doesn't make the post any less creepy. Secondly, this guy is either some sort of margarine fanatic (which I completely understand) or he's trying to lure a woman to to his house with the prospect of free pizza (which I also understand). Either way, someone should have told him that a standard order of Papa comes with a complimentary cup of melted dipping margarine and despite the slogan, Papa don't use better ingredients--he just tosses a fucking pepperoncini in the box. What I'm trying to say is, whatever the hell his strategy is--it sucks.
Craigslist title: Dont laugh but i need to borrow your shower - w4w - 25 (Downtown slc)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): So my hotel isn't ready until tomorrow morning I guess. So stupid, but anyways I need to just borrow your shower and an iron/ironing board for my shirt. But literally to get in and wash my body and hair and get out- ok I might need a towel too, but I have my own shampoo and wash- just need to shower and change- I let my hair air dry so that's no big!
Seriously, what's he supposed to do? Shower at a truck stop? A pond? Not check in and book a room at a different hotel?! Out of the question. Why would you not let this complete stranger into your home for a hot shower? Like you, he hates odor and it's not like he's gonna be in the there all day-- he air-drys his hair for God sake.
Craigslist title: Fake Relationship - m4w - 24 (Sandy)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Have you ever wanted to make someone jealous, or get rid of a guy who won't stop asking you out even though you keep saying no? Well I'm in a situation kinda like that. This girl won't leave me alone, no matter how bluntly I say I don't want to date her. Anyway, I've come to the point where I am considering having a short term fake relationship. If you're in a similar situation that's a win/win and if you're not but would like to help me, then I would greatly appreciate it. Doing this would mean we'd hang out on occasion. I'm always up for making friends and I think we need to become friends in order for this to work. Well, about me. I'm 5'9 and I am a very active guy. I play sports and work out regularly. I love watching movies, and playing the guitar. I work part time and not in school this semester. I can tell you more about me and send you pics. I am looking for a girl 18-26 under 5'9, and preferably someone who enjoys soccer. Anything else doesn't matter much. It's better if you live around Sandy or Draper.
Remember that little story from back in January about Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o? Well, it taught us that you don't need an actual "girl" to pull off a fake girlfriend. It's called Te'oing. So why go through with all this mumbo-jumbo about soccer dates, etc? Unless, of course... plot twist! What if...Manti Te'o wrote this... because... he's looking for a real, fake girlfriend!
Craigslist Title: you produced a toot - m4w - 24 (Salt Lake City)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Last Sunday afternoonish, Whole Foods produce deptarment. There I was, minding my own business, roving over greens and browns and yellows and oranges, when a sound that didn't belong in the chorus of the Lumineers' song attracted my attention. It sounded like a fart. And I thought, that couldn't have been me, could it have? I casually looked over my shoulder and saw a beautiful woman in a red dress paying particular attention to some radishes. I turned fully around and burned holes in the side of her head as she continued to peruse all the green stuff. I wasn't angry, quite the contrary, I wanted to look into the eyes of this miraculous soul who so bravely broke wind in front of a complete stranger, in a dress and so near fresh goods to boot! But alas, she turned away and I watched her bosom rise and fall with every sweet step. I imagined our butts together, passing gas in a hot car with the windows rolled up until we pass out into eachother's arms and bask in the sweet mask that is love. Toodle Loo
This is what Craigslist is all about, pure poetry.