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Will the use of Tasers escalate or decline in 2008? Will the citizenry start Tasering back?
MC: Oh, nooooo! This is Utah! There will be a push to allow the carrying of concealed Tasers on school campuses.
BF: It’ll escalate when the new reality show Taser Time! debuts on Fox during Week 38 of the Writers Guild of America strike. The citizenry will in turn begin Tasering television execs and producers.
HM: Tasers are scary and used too frequently. I predict more people will be badly injured or killed by Tasers over the next couple of years, and states will start outlawing them.
TW: Traditionally, the cop has only two weapons—his hands and his gun. The gun must be used to kill under “deadly force" policy. Cops are not allowed to shoot to injure. The Taser allows a less-violent alternative. But the cops need better training. Some seem to think it’s fun. Criminals will have Tasers, too. I hope they don’t think it’s fun.
What will be SLC Mayor Ralph Becker’s first big challenge be and how will he emerge from it?
MC: To keep from being confused with Rocky, when he agrees to appear on The O’Reilly Factor.
BF: Removing Rocky Anderson’s 100,000-watt neon shrine to himself from the mayor’s office. Becker will install a smaller, greener, LED version—sponsored by NBC and General Electric—in memoriam.
HM: One of his close advisers or political cronies will tear down a home in a progressive, Becker-loving neighborhood and try to replace it with a garish monster home. Becker will say there is no established city ordinance yet to prevent it. He’ll be right, technically. But his groupies will be disappointed that he didn’t fight harder.
TW: It’s a double bill at the movies: Rocky in The Terminator (R) followed by Ralph in that Army training classic The Use of Hand Tools, Part 2 (G). Beyond working to be interesting, Becker will need to shore up important city infrastructure: the public safety building, sewer and water systems, and the airport.
MC: Hey, if I get free tickets to the Stones and U2 … I say, “Soccer stadium is good!”
BF: The Main Library, after they straighten those pesky curves and cover it with aluminum siding. SLC will seize the Sandy Amphitheater, because urbanites refuse to drive that far to see Gladys Knight and Toto.
HM: EnergySolutions Arena. Larry Miller and Co. will start whining soon about the Jazz having outgrown the facility, how it no longer meets their needs, and just like so many other inner city arenas, it will head to the ’burbs. Sandy will offer a big tax incentive. Hmm … can’t think of a thing Salt Lake would want in return, unless we can get their liquor store.
TW: Sandy will take the state Capitol. In return, Salt Lake City will take Dave Checketts hostage. Sandy might also beat out Salt Lake City getting Broadway plays. Man, that is “off Broadway.”
As the wrecking ball levels much of Sugar House, where will 2008’s new hipster haunt be?
MC: Absolutely it will be the corner of SugarHouse Park across from the Blue Boutique. If the predictions are true, everyone will want to watch the running of the perverts into the park with their brand new rubber toys of love!
BF: North Temple, all the way from the All Star Travel Inn west to the Chateau Motel—both great places to take the kids, I hear.
HM: Rose Park is already becoming the next cool neighborhood. It’s close to town, it’s ethnically diverse, it’s always voted Democratic, the yards are huge.
TW: The Coffee Garden at 9th & 9th. And they will shut down temporarily to build their new six-story Coffee Tower to accommodate all the shunned.
