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A List for Santa

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In keeping with the holiday spirit, we at City Weekly would like to pause and thank each and every one of you, our readers. While we’re at it, we’d also like to thank our advertisers, too. Together, you help make us Utah’s independent newspaper.

Of course, no holiday season would be complete if we didn’t wish well many of those we’ve covered during the past year. So, in a departure from our usual format, we would like to ask Santa for a few things for our special friends:

For outgoing Commissioner Mary Callaghan, who decided to increase property taxes while taking a $279,000 severance package, we wish a conscience. But that might interfere with her sleep. Maybe we should just wish her a very long trip to Honduras.

For Commissioner Brent Overson, who grouses at the slightest provocation, we wish a sense of humor. We also hope Brent finds a new job where he can bully some people around.

For Commissioner Mark Shurtleff, who will soon be state attorney general, we are giving a gift certificate for two weeks at the Randy Horiuchi School of Politics training camp. Overson attended the camp several years ago, and it’s done him a world of good. You’ve got to learn how to grease the squeaky wheel, Mark—without getting caught.

For Mayor Rocky Anderson, we’ve asked Santa to send a communications director who will stay on at least until Groundhog Day. We’re also throwing in a gift certificate to one week at the Dan Bermann School of Etiquette to help the mayor deal with pesky reporters.

For Deeda Seed, the mayor’s chief of staff, we’re giving one “Get Out of Jail Free” card. The card, provided by those nice folks over at the Police Union, will allow Deeda to jaywalk as long as she doesn’t swear at the arresting officer.

For City Councilwoman Nancy Saxton, we’ve asked Santa to bring some of those brand-new, hi-tech non-knotting underwear. We think Nancy will be a lot more effective on the council if she can just keep her undies from getting in a knot.

For Gov. Mike Leavitt, we’ve asked Santa for a special gift, a grant to the Mayo Clinic for research to cure whirling disease in trout. See, the governor is afraid he’ll be remembered for allowing whirling disease from his family’s fish farm to spread throughout Utah. A cure would clear the way for Mike’s fourth term.

And for Mitt Romney, we wish a whole new set of lawyers. After all, how can the Olympic spirit thrive without lawyers? We’d also like to wish the entire Olympic family a joyous and performance-enhanced New Year.

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