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A Private Ocho for Members

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Eight new righteous crusades to take up now that private clubs are dead:

8. Convincing local media that they can interview other bar owners besides Piper Down’s Dave Morris.

7. Abolishing the sales tax on Doritos, Mountain Dew and other basic nutrients.

6. Establishing “The Final Countdown” as the official state song.

5. Raising the alcohol limit in beer from 3.2 to “potentially lethal.”

4. Barring small children from movie theaters … and everywhere else.

3. Criminalizing LDS missionary work in Utah. Seriously. It’s! Utah!

2. Lifting the pasties requirement for strippers; requiring pasties for shirtless fat guys.

1. Legalizing marijuana for editorial medicinal use.