A “whistleblower” told a congressional subcommittee that the United States has recovered the dead bodies of little, green men, believed to be aliens from outer space.
Former Department of Defense intelligence officer David Grusch testified before a House Oversight subcommittee that several crashed spacecraft and the bodies of aliens who piloted them are secreted away in a warehouse in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. They haven't been found, because the U.S. Space Force engaged a “cloaking device” taken from one of the UFOs to make them invisible.
When Missouri Republican Rep. Eric Burlison asked how the aliens could get here from faraway galaxies, Grusch said the non-human spacecraft had interdimensional potential. “You can be projected, quasi-projected from higher dimensional space to lower dimensional,” he said. But Grusch could not explain why the aliens crashed if their technology is so sophisticated, except that a nearby McDonald's was advertising the McRib Meal Deal.
Committee Republicans steamed over what they called a cover-up. Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna said the government is trying “to gaslight Americans into thinking that this is not happening.”
But as Mr. Spock said to Capt. Kirk: “In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.” Beam me up, Scotty, it's too weird down here.
10 Things the Barbie Movie Teaches Us
1. Men are worthless
2. Well, not totally worthless
3. Women can be astronauts
4. Women can be spacey
5. Pink is everything
6. Barbie is not a feminist
7. Barbie is a feminist
8. Women should be beautiful
9. Women should not be too beautiful
10. Barbie is subversive—that sneaky nefarious passive-aggressive little plastic doll!
“The Big Lie” Just Won’t Pay Off—Literally
Well this is a fine how-do-you-do—the once and future president has lost again in court. This time, a federal judge tossed Donald Trump's $475 million defamation suit against CNN, ruling that viewers would have to be crazy to believe the cable news channel was comparing him to Hitler when it labeled his big lie about the 2020 election as “The Big Lie.” Darn the luck.
The Hitler allegation goes back to Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi minister of propaganda, who reportedly said: “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually believe it.” Nonetheless, the court ruled that “CNN’s use of the phrase ‘The Big Lie’ does not give rise to a plausible inference that Trump advocates the persecution and genocide of Jews or any other group of people.”
Trump loves to sue people and corporations, but he's also up to his eyeballs in defense attorney fees. Federal elections filings show that Trump paid $40 million from his Save America PAC in legal-related payments so far this year.
And he's going to spend a lot more on federal criminal cases in New York and Florida. Two more are likely in Washington D.C. and Georgia. A passel of civil suits also awaits.
Trump’s political donors don't seem to mind picking up the tab. As Goebbels also said: “A sucker is born every minute.” Or was that P.T. Barnum? Whatever.
Postscript—That's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of climate change so you don't have to. Wilson, did you know it's so hot in Phoenix that Republicans there are wondering if there really isn't something to this global warming hoax, after all?
It's so hot in Phoenix that you can roast a lamb on the dashboard of a 2007 Cadillac El Dorado. But Phoenicians are used to the heat and many wear asbestos gloves to avoid burning their hands on the steering wheel. In fact, it was so hot in Phoenix last week that it melted the steering wheel on a 1958 DKW F94.
Don't tell Republicans this, but scientists say July was the hottest month in 120,000 years. For real.
Here's a big surprise, President Joe Biden will visit Utah, Arizona and New Mexico from Aug. 7 to Aug. 10. And he's going to address the hot heat and his administration's response to climate change. That should go over big here in the Beehive State, where we all know God is in charge.
If you're wondering where Utah Rep. Burgess Owens has gone, wonder no more: He's out with a new email urging constituents to impeach Joe Biden. But when voters click on “demand an impeachment inquiry,” they are sent to his fundraising page, where they can donate big bucks so Burgess can continue to do God's work—or not.
Well Wilson, we're in one big galaxy and there must be intelligent life somewhere. But as noted physicist Enrico Fermi said to Edward Teller: “If life is so easy, someone from somewhere must have come calling by now. So, where the hell are they?” OK Wilson, wake up the band and take us out with a little something for our stargazers and E.T. lovers:
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source of all our power
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
We go 'round every two hundred million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth
“The Galaxy Song”—Monty Python
