NASA scientists have identified an asteroid hurtling toward Earth and, according to some mathematical models, it could hit Capitol Hill in Salt Lake City. Some timetables predict impact on Jan. 18, just as Utah lawmakers gather for the annual (fill in the blank).

Not to worry, astrophysicists say, the asteroid is smaller than the one that created the Gulf of Mexico and killed off all the dinosaurs. Wilson and the band think that's ironic—the Legislature isn't exactly devoid of dull-witted creatures. But we digress.

NASA is launching a spacecraft that hopefully will hit the asteroid and knock it into a new trajectory. The mission, called the Double Asteroid Redirection Test, or DART, will "punch the asteroid in the face with a high-speed spacecraft," according to "Live Science," with the "kinetic impactor technique."

The asteroid is actually two space rocks traveling together in what scientists call "Double Trouble." This, of course, is more bad news for the Legislature, because one rock could hit the Senate, while the other smashes into the House. But NASA technicians say they are "pretty sure" the plan will work and the asteroid will miss Earth, in which case lawmakers can continue their important work, keeping Utahns free from education and health care.

Downer Liberals and Hap, Hap, Happy Conservatives
If you know any liberals, you know what a total bummer they can be. They're always worried about some crisis—like climate change, racism, inequality and healthcare, to name just a few.

By contrast, conservatives are happy because they don't worry so much. (With the notable exception of patriots who support Trump.) They're upbeat, except for giving food stamps to single moms, taxing rich people and regulations on pollution and guns. And unlike liberals, they love families, Jesus and America.

Insight into this sociological schism comes from a recent essay in The New York Times from the conservative think tank Institute for Family Studies,referenced in the Deseret News. "Self-identified liberals are less likely than conservatives to be tied to family, faith and community."

Translated by the staff here at Smart Bomb, that means liberals are just heathens, disconnected from society, who probably smoke ibogaine. And they are selfish too, according to the essay. "Individual happiness is more likely to be found not by directly pursuing it but by embracing social institutions that call on us to focus first on the welfare of others." That's it, liberals should be more concerned about others—racism, inequality and healthcare—and stop being so fucking selfish.

Killing Majestic Trumpeter Swans is Just Good Fun
Darn it to heck. Utah's annual fun-filled trumpeter swan killing season came to an early end because too many of the majestic white birds were shot, according to the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources. So if you were looking forward to a beautiful swan for Christmas dinner, you're out of luck.

You can just imagine slicing into that juicy 30-pound bird that used to flap around in the wild like ... well, like a swan. There is just nothing quite like going out in nature, killing a big beautiful bird and then eating it, hoping you don't bite down too hard on any lead shot.

Of course, there are some frowny-faces out there, according to Brian Maffly, bird watcher extraordinaire at The Salt Lake Tribune: "Utah wildlife officials strongly discourage the killing of trumpeters, but they have yet to outlaw the practice even though some populations are struggling to reestablish their migratory patterns."

In the contiguous 48 states, trumpeter swans were hunted to near extinction—by 1935, only 69 trumpeters were known to exist in the wild. Fortunately, Alaska had a healthy population of several thousand. This community provided critical genetic stock for re-introductions in other parts of the swan's historic range. So, hey, no big deal. Let's kill us some big, friggin' swans.

Postscript—Stick a fork in it 'cause that'll do it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of COVID-19 variants so you don't have to. This could be a good time to go into suspended animation for several decades. Wake up in 2042 to a world without COVID, Majorie Taylor Greene or Rupert Murdoch.

On the other hand, you'd be gambling the place wouldn't be toast from global warming and said bad asses. But onward and upward.

The staff here at Smart Bomb has been on the hunt for good news and here it is: Luc Houle, 33, Toronto, has invented canvas "Johnny" shoes. Instead of throwing them away when they wear out, you bury them. Within the sole of the biodegradable footwear is an apple seed encased in fertilizer. (We're not making this up.) If everyone did this, landfills would turn into forests and eat all the CO2 and Johnny Appleseed's dream would come true. Go Luc!

And here's something we should also consider: Space tourists might not find the awe they seek, says travel writer Henry Wismayer. "That which we explicitly pursue will always, to a greater or lesser extent, remain out of reach," he said. "One of the most striking discoveries is how often awe involves finding the extraordinary in the ordinary." Jeff Bezos, take a dirt road.

Hey Wilson, listen to this: If everybody bought Johnny shoes and buried them in the park or back yard, it could offset some of the destructive environmental stuff we can't or won't stop. So, wake up the band and take us out with something apropos:

It's just a rumor that was spread around town
Somebody said that someone got filled in
For saying that people get killed in
The result of their shipbuilding

With all the will in the world
Diving for dear life
When we could be diving for pearls

It's just a rumor that was spread around town
A telegram or a picture postcard
Within weeks they'll be re-opening the shipyards
And notifying the next of kin
Once again
It's all we're skilled in
We will be shipbuilding
With all the will in the world
Diving for dear life
When we could be diving for pearls
"Shipbuilding"—Elvis Costello