8. “Yeah … well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
7. “You call 1,467 anonymous complaint comments about the new sltrib.com nothing?”
6. “But the tight three minutes I’ve been working on is going to slay at The Comedy Hole openmic.”
5. “And lose our place in line right before the cat café finally opens? Mr. Fluffernutter and I have no regrets!”
4. “Wait … it’s August? No way—September?!”
3. “But my flat-earth podcast is reaching new believers all around the world.”
2. “We all grieve for the summer movie season in our own way.”
1. “I’m the Mayor of Salt Lake City—who the fuck are you?!”