Beers for the Pioneers | The Ocho | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » The Ocho

Beers for the Pioneers

Eight new local commemorative microbrews arriving just in time for Pioneer Day 2010.

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Eight new local commemorative microbrews arriving just in time for Pioneer Day 2010:

8. End of Days Pale Ale: No aftertaste (but there is afterlife), dry-hopped for the apocalypse and filtered through the tears of Glenn Beck.

7. Gary Herbert Hefe: A flavorless, predictable, ultimately forgettable wheat beer best served before Nov. 2, 2010.

6. Immigration Amber Ale: An undocumented, medium-bodied ale that takes the jobs no other beers want (unavailable in Arizona).

5. Chevron Stout: A dark (black, actually), thick stout with a petroleum-slick finish, served chilled and/or spilled.

4. Birther Brau: A crisp, suspicious lager with Hawaiian and Kenyan malts that may or may not have been brewed in this country. Tank certificate not available upon request.

3. Hipster Pils: A lukewarm, light beer best drunk through an ironic mustache (real or tattooed on finger), painstakingly brewed to taste exactly like a PBR tallboy.

2. Lonsberry Lager: In remembrance of recently-canceled “local” talk-radio host Bob Lonsberry, a flat lager with an anticlimactic finish.

1. City Weekly “Sorry” Seasonal: The beer we’ll be buying for everybody inevitably pissed off about our “Coldest Beer” issue.

Bill Frost:

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