City Weekly’s Best of Utah 2001:

An Affair to Remember

Here at City Weekly we’ve been bad. Very bad. What we needed was discipline. Lots and lots of discipline.

So we counted your Best Of Utah ballots, compiled your votes, and launched into torrid encounters with our own “Best of” picks. We got all hot and bothered just thinking about it. Our pulses raced and our minds ached for the thrill of the chase. We tried everything we thought would turn us on. We became sluts of the superlative, slaves to the written word. We wanted to produce a journalistic peep show on a scale the world had never before seen! Some passed the test. Others were turned away. We never prostituted ourselves. City Weekly never sells out!

Why all this? The self-righteous—who would never admit to having passions of their own—will say we did it all for cheap thrills and little else. We at City Weekly know that this, all this, was done out of passion. We wanted to fulfill our readers’ every Best of Utah fantasy. We wanted to quench your wildest desires, to satisfy your every curiosity about where to play, dine, recreate and shop in this strange, seductive place we call Utah. We wanted the sweet scent of seduction to ooze from our pages. Oooooh, yes!

What we discovered was that Utah has become a very fun, sexy place as of late. As you see on our cover, even the state’s Porn Czar and her boss, the attorney general, couldn’t resist a walk on the wild side. And after that, everyone got into the act! Desire is a powerful force—a tide, even! Give into it.

Night Life

BEST BAR FOR CONVERSATION

Readers’ Choice

Green Street

It’s all about having the choice of where you want to gab away the night or afternoon. By the bar, at a booth, by the pool tables or standing up—for ease of walking about should the dialogue take a turn for the boring. As in real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. That’s what drives the nature and tone of a conversation. Green Street has it all in this particular domain. And now onto our next subject …

BEST UNKNOWN LIVE MUSIC VENUE

The Ritz Club

More like a mini-concert hall adjacent to a bowling alley on State Street, this on-again, off-again (currently on-again) live music club has it all: Big stage, spacious dance floor, great line-of-sight seating, decent acoustics, plenty of parking, a liquor license—everything but regular patrons. Maybe a few more good bands, or even some national acts, would do the trick.

BEST PLACE TO MEET MONEY

Readers’ Choice

New Yorker/Oyster Bar

So you say you’re looking for that special sugar mama/daddy to treat you right while you’re on the town? You’ve got to love the New Yorker and Oyster Bar, favored hangouts of business travelers staying at downtown hotels and looking for a little nightlife. They’re on expense accounts; they’re in the bars on weeknights when the competition is relatively light; and the bars themselves are great spots for lively conversation. Plus, if Mr. or Ms. Right Now is planning on tackling the lobster or filet mignon at Market Street, you know there’s a little something backing up that plastic.

BEST BAR TO SHOOT POOL

Readers’ Choice

Fats Pub & Pool

For the second year in a row, Fats in Sugar House racks up a Best of Utah win—ha! Yes, you’ve got to have balls in this business—rimshot! It’s like the jokes are coming on cue—blammo! Seriously, Fats Pub & Pool does it right by sticking to the basics: Pool tables, beer and food. Chalk it up to simplicity—yowza! (Hey, there used to be a comedy club downstairs.)

BEST REVISIONIST HISTORY

Barbary Coast Saloon

Sure, we all know and love this South State biker bar—not only for its bikes, bikers and babes, but also for its gritty rock and roll. And we love it for its pool and for its sandwiches. But we didn’t know we’d also love it for its signage. Right there with the big old logo and the big old sign are the words immortalized by Brigham Young himself, “This is the Place.” Who are we to argue?

BEST NEW PARK CITY HANGOUT

Renee’s Bar & Café

For years we’ve thought that a wine bar in Salt Lake or Park City would be a great idea. Finally, someone has followed through on that idea and it’s proving that our intuition was correct. Almost since the day Renee Crabtree opened Renee’s Bar & Café at the Gateway Center in Park City, it’s been a hit with locals and tourists alike, with their very nice selection of wines by the glass and huge offering by the bottle. Renee’s is the place to sit and sip a glass of Raymond Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Reserve 1998 while discussing the merits of matching Pinot Noir with salmon or Chablis with oysters. Renee’s also offers a smattering of wine-friendly foods, including a fruit and cheese plate that’s perfect with a bubbly glass of Domaine Ste. Michelle Blanc de Blanc. And if that’s not enough, there’s periodic live music, from bluegrass to jazz. Now that Renee’s wine bar has opened, what are we going to wiiiiine about?

BEST BEER SELECTION (TAVERN)

Readers’ Choice

The Fiddler’s Elbow

Quenching your thirst in Sugar House is no problem. Head over to The Fiddler’s Elbow, where you will find 50—count ‘em—50 different beers to choose from. You can feast those thirsty taste buds on no fewer than 36 different brews on tap, from Eddie McStiff’s Stout to Park City Pilsner and everything in between. Of course, we can’t list them all here. But you can mosey on over for some of their famous comfort food—don’t miss the mashed potatoes—and then practice rinsing it down. Tell us that doesn’t sound pretty darn close to heaven. But they’ve got the bottles, too, from south of the border, north of the border, east of the pond and west of the Pacific. You get the picture. You want beer—you want The Fiddler’s Elbow, simple. Oh yeah and there’s pool, too. Rack ‘em up.

BEST BEER SELECTION

(PRIVATE CLUB) Readers’ Choice

Port O’ Call

Count the taps on the upper level bar as you walk in the door. That’s 30—three, zero—choices coming out of kegs, with plenty more available in bottles. So why order a pitcher of Old Milwaukee when you really want a pitcher of one of the fine locally-made brews profiled elsewhere in this issue? As you settle in for an evening of malt-and-hops delights, just keep this in mind: You could come to Port O’ Call every day for a month and enjoy quaffing a different frosty beverage straight from the tap to your glass.

BEST NEW COMEDY CLUB

Wiseguys in Grizzly Plaza

Because humor-challenged Utah can always use more funny business, and a new all-ages comedy joint can never be a bad thing—especially in West Valley City.

BEST FOR DANCING

(DJ) Readers’ Choice

Axis

Not even the ’99 tornado could stop this raging hall of fun. And with the residue of British DJ Paul Oakenfold’s legendary Axis concert still lingering, this club’s status is rock solid. If you want to dance to pre-recorded music on the wheels of steel—or “turntables,” for all you unhip masses—get in line like everyone else.

BEST CHEAP DRINKS

Readers’ Choice

Burt’s Tiki Lounge

There’s life beyond PBR, you know. Although Burt’s Tiki Lounge will serve it if you ask. Other than that, go for a Belgian-style Blue Moon ale, or any other thrift-wise libation Burt’s proudly offers with that special brand of bartender’s pride. Plus, the place is so intimate you’re bound to get the attention you deserve, even if you’re not a big spender. Bring us another pitcher, please.

BEST PARK CITY BEST BREW PUB

Readers’ Choice

Red Rock

They’ve got the suds for every occasion, in all of the standard alcoholic and nonalcoholic varieties. Red Rock is just a groovy place to party and, at the same time, nourish all of your hungry and thirsty friends, whether their tastes lean toward a wood-oven pizza and hefe weizen or a burger and big, frothy mug of home-brewed root beer.

BARTENDER/GODDESS

Artemis at Mother Urban’s

Artemis was the daughter of Zeus and twin sister of Apollo: Put that into your genealogical pipe and smoke it. She was the many-breasted virgin huntress of the moon who both nurtured and destroyed. And the temple of Artemis was considered one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. Artemis the bartender at Mother Urban’s in Park City has nurtured many a happy customer and destroyed a few who’ve gotten out of line. In a town saturated with barkeeps who can barely manage to mumble, “Hey dude, awesome skiing today!” Artemis is friendly, smart and, like most goddesses, easy on the eyes. Just don’t make the mistake of saying her name like the character in Wild, Wild West. It’s pronounced “Ar-TEE-miss.” Fair warning. You know how temperamental those goddesses can get.

BEST PLACE TO FIND A RANTING,

RAGING WANNA-BE FRENCH POET

Closet Poets at Dead Goat Saloon

Prose can be stiff. Verse should be fluid, exquisite, perhaps even a bit dangerous. So it is that accountant-by-day and tortured poet-by-night Rick Smith founded one of the most dependable forums for stanza-wielding freaks valleywide. Yeah, these people get carried away at times, hogging the mic like the second coming of Ginsberg. But don’t let the “poets” in the title fool you. Bring a short, short story. Pack some rambling hybrid of drama and prose. And, yes, Smith is a City Weekly employee. So sue us if this is a shameless plug.

BEST SOPRANOS SUBSTITUTE

Club Manhattan

It’s not like we have a bunch of mafioso running loose here in Utah—save for a Sicilian girl or two—but at Club Manhattan, it really does feel like an inner sanctum for the Soprano family. Though not colored in its previous ’50s art deco decor, the club does retro to a T with dark colors and candles. A recent addition is the very tasty Italian food presented by a group going by the name “Corleones,” currently running the kitchen. Two things you can find here: Great period music by the Beverly Brothers on Saturday nights, and Mayor Rocky Anderson munching on appetizers—maybe he’s waiting for Tony.

BEST DRUM AND FIFE BLUES BAND

Shimmy She Wobble

A band with four drummers and no bag pipes? What the hell is that? That, is Shimmy She Wobble. They’ve played a few times around SLC, including the SLUG Magazine 12th anniversary party. Shimmy She Wobble borrows from a music history steeped in Civil War drum and fife bands. Chances are you’ve heard nothing like them. Chances are you will.

BEST REASON TO DRINK HEAVILY

Utah liquor laws

BEST FOR DANCING

(Live Music)

Readers’ Choice

The Zephyr Club

One of the handful of Utah clubs featuring live music that actually treats the stage as a focal point, not an afterthought. The renowned Zephyr Club also did things right when it came to the dance floor. Good luck bustin’ a move when the place is packed for a big-name concert act, but when the floor is open, there’s none better.

BEST NEIGHBORHOOD BAR

Readers’ Choice

The Hog Wallow Pub

The Hog Wallow practically defines the “neighborhood bar”—it’s hidden so far out of the way that it’s a wonder if anyone but the regulars ever find it. Tucked back on the winding Big Cottonwood Canyon side road off Fort Union Blvd., this isn’t necessarily the place to go to be where everyone who’s anyone is hanging out. It’s the spot where you go to shoot a game of pool, sit down for a beer and a cigarette with a few friends, or listen to one of the great bands that takes the tiny corner stage on weekends. Every neighborhood should have one.

BEST JUKEBOX

The Twilight Lounge

Not only is “The Twi’” a refuge of choice for the city’s lounge lizards, it sports the best tunes in a jukebox. Let’s dwell on this important fact for a moment. Basically, it means that when you go to the Twilight, you’ll never hear a bad tune. No, never. Not with Joni Mitchell, Nirvana, Al Green, John Coltrane and AC/DC in the box. The good folks at the Twilight know that the secret to a good jukebox is a maddeningly eccentric variety of the best in every genre. Now if they only had a bit of Beethoven in there.

BEST OPTIONAL-PANTS NIGHT

Club Blue

You won’t be surprised that the winner goes to … ta da! … Club Blue. It’s a place where men who like men want to be left alone. So, as the sign says, don’t wear colognes or other scents that mask your masculine smell. No female drag or dresses. No loud floral clothing. And no sandals. We’re talkin’ real men who want to drop into a place with features like optional pants night and optional shirt night. Jockeys or boxer shorts? Well, you be the judge.

BEST NEW CLUB

Readers’ Choice

Kristauf’s Social Club

What if there was a cozy, romantic club dedicated to the fine art of making and drinking martinis? Then you’d have something. Well, don’t look now but Kristauf’s is open on Market Street between 400 South and Main near the federal court building, and it has enough ambience to get you off on the right foot no matter who your date is. Ah, yes, the martini. You can shake it, of course. Will that be an onion or an olive? Sure, they offer a host of other beverages, but we suggest a dry martini to start things off. Where it goes from there is up to you—and that gorgeous person next to you.

BEST ALL-IN-ONE NIGHT OUT

Brewvies

Variety is the spice of nightlife. So play pool. Drink some suds. Have a delicious bite to eat. Play a video game. Then catch a movie in one of two theaters. All this is within the grasp of everyone who passes through the doors at Brewvies, an establishment with an interior design so lush, you almost forget you’re in a bar-like atmosphere. Saying more would seem redundant.

BEST PLACE TO RAISE THE ROOF

Readers’ Choice

Bricks

The best part about Bricks would have to be the variety of music they play. Or the different rooms, so you can drift according to mood. It’s the great deejays. It’s the outdoor area where you can grab a smoke and rest your feet before you hit the floor again. Then again, the best part could be the dark, damp sexiness of an old warehouse, which pervades the club and everybody in it. Dancing fools rejoice.

BEST PLACE TO SPOT A HOTTIE

(STRAIGHT) Readers’ Choice

Harry O’s

Does this Park City %uFFFDberclub really have more hotties per square foot? Face it: Harry O’s is so huge, chances are you could spot anything on a good night. Still, this spacious joint seems to be overflowing with the Beautiful People, even when the Sundance Film Festival brigade has beat it back to Hollywood. According to one sensitive-dude web poster on certain Internet message boards, “This place has a better ratio of hot to ugly chicks than anywhere I’ve been.” Thanks, buddy.

BEST PLACE TO SPOT A HOTTY

(GAY) Readers’ Choice

Axis

You walked into Axis like you were walking onto a yacht; your hat strategically dipped below one eye; your scarf, it was apricot. You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte. And all the boys dreamed that they’d be your partner, they’d be you’re partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this club is about you. You’re so vain, you probably think this pick is about you. Don’t you? Well, of course you’ve come to Axis, sweet stuff. And that’s why you’ve come. Don’t talk about all the glitter and glitz and what a swell time everyone is having. Dump the pretense and let’s rock.

BEST BARGAIN DATE

Mr. Z’s

It seems like all the good movies—you know, the ones without Steven Seagal—play at the Broadway Center Cinemas on 300 South. So make that the starting point for a date. Take the special person in your life to see Chocolat. But skip the popcorn, candy, sodas and Hershey bars. Because for about the same price as fattening snacks at the cinema, you could have a wholesome and delicious Italian meal at Mr. Z’s, without even getting into your car. Mr. Z’s is located right next door to the Broadway Center, making it a no-brainer for a pre- or post-movie meal. The food is wonderful, wine and beer are available, and best of all, you can dine there for not much more than the price of the movie. Which means you can spend your date money on more important items, like flowers. (But that would be further into the relationship, of course.)

BEST SPORTS BAR

Readers’ Choice

Port O’ Call

Seventeen television screens. Great sight lines. Walls full of jerseys, autographed balls and other memorabilia. And did we mention that this is just in the downstairs level? Those neon team logos in the window aren’t just a tease—Port O’ Call is the spot to watch sports in Salt Lake City. It offers the ideal set-up for events like the NCAA basketball tournament, where you could watch any one of the four games going on simultaneously. Any one of the dozen or so alcoves can make for your own private cheering section, or you can join the crowd to root root root for the home team.

BEST BEER TAVERN &

POSTMORTEM

Readers’ Choice

Tap Room

So what if it’s only the size of a shoebox, the Tap Room puts maximum good vibes into a minimal space. And, hey, that small space pretty much assures you’re bound to run into a friend or someone you know. At the very least, it allows the bartender to keep an intimate track on regulars. Another bonus: The world looks even better when you leave the tavern for a nice walk along the Sugar House streets. But get there while you can. The Tap Room is soon to be razed. Another icon bites the dust!

BEST ARTS-RELATED EXPANSION

Rose Wagner Performing Arts Center, Phase II

The existing Rose Wagner facility was a godsend of sorts for the local dance aficionado. It made the modern and the intimate co-exist like no other local arts venue before it. The 64,000-square-foot addition of Phase II, which is set to be the most handsome addition to the arts since Abravanel Hall, looks even more tantalizing as the Repertory Dance Theatre’s new home. As RDT director Linda C. Smith said, “We’ve come a long way since the old barracks buildings at the University of Utah.” No kidding.

BEST PLACES TO TAKE YOUR COMPLAINTS

TO A CITY WEEKLY EMPLOYEE

All Over Town

You got something to say to us, then say it! Here’s a short list of where you’re most likely to find us: Mornings—Royal Eatery, Lamb’s Restaurant, Market Street Grill, on the Bus, on Trax, Café Expresso, Java Joe’s , Coffee Garden, Salt Lake Roasting Co. Mid-day—Shogun, Port O’ Call, Squatter’s, Kenji’s, Oyster Bar, Au Bon Appetit, Wild Oats, Chevy’s, O’Shucks, Totem’s, Atlantic Café, Sam Weller’s Books, Mr. Z’s, Stoneground. Cocktail hour & evenings: 24 Hour Fitness, Club Manhattan, Port O’Call, Lumpy’s, Green Street, the Firm, Zephyr, Dead Goat, periodicals section of the library, Club Axis, The Derelict Bar, Leprechaun Inn, Spencer’s, at our free movie premieres, Kristauf’s. Weekends—any ski resort, Club 90, any golf course, in church, at the Holladay Gun Club or at Doug’s Shoot ‘n’ Sports.

BEST SANDWICH SURPRISE

Leprechaun Inn Big things do come in little packages at the Leprechaun Inn. Working in one of the smallest kitchens around is no hindrance to the folks at the Leprechaun. Not only will you gorge on gigantamungus sandwiches (like the Italian Meatball) and sides, you get them at the best prices around. This is the home of the real value meal! Their hot wings—well, all of their appetizers—score with us, too.

BEST UTE FANS

Lumpy’s Well, they’re the best Ute fans as long as the Utes are winning, that is. At the start of the past football season they needed six busses to haul everyone to the game. By season’s end it was down to a Chevy Van, two rickshaws, and Lumpy himself was seen toting one lucky female fan on his very own back. Come game day big crowds gather in their bright red (often from spitting up Bloody Mary’s all over themselves), ready to eat the meal that and drink the beer that comes with the bus ticket. Lumpy’s provides the same up-and-back service for Ute Basketball, Utah Jazz Basketball and WCW Wrestling.

BEST LITTLE BIT OF PARIS

Atlantic Cafe Actually, the husband and wife team running this place are from Bosnia, a Croat and a Serb. They may never have even been to Paris, but outside their Main Street café, they’ve set up tables that allow for outdoor, bistro-style dining, and, naturally, smoking. Walk by, smell the grilled meats and smell the wafts of imported tobaccos—you’re in Paris. We all know that people would like to think it’s a little bit of Paris just up the street, but, well, it isn’t.

BEST HOTEL BAR

Spencer’s

One thing that’s a noticable trend around here is that the food and drink options in our area hotels have taken major turn for the better. Hotel embellishments like Bambara, Shula’s, Olio, and of course Spencer’s are proof positive that this Olympic thing might give us lasting benefits afterall. The first to make the big jump from hotel food to exquisite food was Spencer’s in the Hilton Hotel. Decked out in a classic Chop House motif, one step into Spencer’s and you’re one universe from Salt Lake City. Many people know Spencer’s for its steaks—we know it for the Martini’s. They’re damn near perfect. Best, they’re ideal to wash down what are easily the best finger food munchies in town.

Day Life

BEST HIKING

Readers’ Choice

Millcreek Canyon

If you live in the east-side Salt Lake vicinity, there’s absolutely no reason to leave your own backyard if you want to hit the trails. If you live somewhere else, Millcreek Canyon is still a great place to hike. Why else would our brilliant readers—with all of their ample opportunities to scout the state’s many recreational areas—have repeatedly voted for the canyon as Best Hiking? Duh. The beauty of Millcreek Canyon, aside from the breathtaking scenery, is that you can make your outing as public or secluded as you want. There are plenty of picnic and camping grounds if you want to make social with the fam, but if you want to make it a cozy afternoon for two, simply stretch your leg muscles and get to hikin’. You’re pretty much guaranteed to find an enchanting path that will let you leave your city life behind.

BEST WEEKEND ESCAPE

Readers’ Choice

Park City

If you’re ready to slip out of Utah this weekend but don’t have a lot of time and don’t fancy a casino, then take a left at Interstate 80 eastbound. Topping Parleys Canyon, you’ll begin to feel a sense of freedom; and if you can find your way through the maze at Kimball Junction you’ll be staring 48 hours of heaven right in the face. Sure, it’s just Park City, but it ain’t exactly Utah. Park City is known for the trio of ski resorts that surround it—Deer Valley, Park City Mountain Resort and The Canyons—so take advantage, put in some turns and then plunk into the hot tub with your sweetie. But don’t forget, the best time of year in P.C. is summer. Take a bike ride, check out all the great restaurants on Main Street and inhale a nose-full of that fresh air. Don’t fret if it’s getting late—you’re only 45 minutes from home.

BEST EAST-SIDE MULLET SPOTTING

MacFrugal’s at 3320 S. 1300 East

Think the bold and resurgent short-top/long-back haircut affectionately known as the “mullet” is strictly a western valley phenomenon? Spend a weekend wandering the aisles of bargain paradise MacFrugal’s (as well as nearby All-a-Dollar) in the somewhat east-side Town & Country Plaza—you’ll find more neck-warmers than a Lynyrd Skynyrd reunion tour and a monster truck show can boast. Now, where’s the salon that’s still inflicting these things?

BEST BIKING

READERS’ CHOICE

Moab

When it comes to riding bicycles with fat tires, there is just one Mecca—and it’s called Moab. And why not? The evolution of that thing we call a mountain bike and the term “Moab” are inextricably linked. Ask anybody, any place in this country where they would choose to go if they could ride anywhere and they’d all say the same thing—Moab. Maybe it’s the combination of red rocks and blue sky. Or maybe it’s just that slickrock is such a gas to ride. Who cares? Why analyze it, when you can do it? Whether you’re camping along Caine Creek or crashing at the Super 8, you and your two-wheel-lovin’ cousins have it all. As much pedaling and cool scenery as you can stand until sundown. And then strip off the Lycra and head to the brewpub. Sure it’s a scene. But that’s what mountain biking is all about.

BEST UNDER-APPRECIATED TOURIST ATTRACTION

Antelope Island

Everyone who visits you from out of town expects to see Temple Square, and you’ll probably head up to a resort or two. But how many of you have taken guests to Antelope Island—or for that matter, ever been there yourself? Locals often dismiss it as one of those smelly places to the north, but non-Utahns generally find themselves dazzled by its beauty. There’s nothing quite like it for impressing those in-laws who wonder why you ever moved here.

BEST PLACE TO KAYAK

Ogden

Weber River

This is not for novices, and kayaking can be dangerous. But the most thrilling place in northern Utah to ride a kayak is the legendary Rock Garden in Weber Canyon. There, you’ll find boaters practicing rolling below the power plant and experts shooting the rapids. It’s fun for spectators, too. Be careful, those rapids are treacherous.

BEST ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF A SEVEN-DAY RETAIL WEEK

Sunday TRAX service

During the 2000 holiday shopping season, UTA tested the wild-and-crazy notion of letting people take the train on Sunday. And lo, the people did come, and they did shop, and there was much rejoicing. Next thing you know, UTA receives a revela … er, epiphany, that it might be a good idea to keep the Sunday TRAX service year-round. It’s funny how these things can get kick-started once downtown businesses start to benefit financially.

BEST FISHING

Readers’ Choice

Strawberry Lake Reservoir

There are many reasons to fish Strawberry, but here are five. 1. It’s close to the Wasatch Front. 2. It has a variety of accommodations, from camping to lodge rental by reservation for large or small groups. 3. It’s all-season, with ice fishing in the winter and open water reel-casting in spring, summer and fall. 4. It’s practically open to every style, including shore fishing, float tubes or boats. And 5. The reservoir holds a variety of species, like cutthroat, lake trout and salmon. Have a good time, and good luck catching the big one.

BEST PLACE TO PARK DOWNTOWN

In front of Club DV8, across from the Salt Palace

Even when the Festival of Trees had downtown streets looking like parking lots and Crossroads Plaza was crowded with holiday shoppers, there was still free legal street parking available in front of Club DV8, across from the Salt Palace and next to the mall. Where? In the “freight license required” loading zone. Some of these parking spots become available to the public after 6 p.m., while others are 24-hour freight zones. Read the signs carefully. It’s like Monopoly: There is “Free Parking” out there.

BEST REASON TO LEARN

SEMAPHORE

Mayor Rocky Anderson’s orange cross-walk flags

Imagine what you could say to passing drivers if you knew semaphore, the naval art of communicating by using two flags. Thanks to Rocky Anderson, dorm rooms are decorated and crosswalks are safer. The orange flags that are popping up beside more and more crosswalks are causing drivers to slow down and take notice of pedestrians. If you haven’t learned semaphore, the alternative method of communicating to unsafe drivers is using your middle finger. Certainly not as polite as semaphore, but the message is similar.

BEST FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT BARGAIN

Jungle Jim’s Playland

You could head to McDonald’s to let the kids run wild—shell out ten bucks for a greasy dinner so they can hang out in the play area. Or you could take a little trip to Midvale, where for only 99 cents—that’s correct, less than a dollar—your little one can enjoy unlimited use of the “soft-play” area. If you want to extend your stay, individual rides like the merry-go-round and train are only 75 cents. And you, the parent, won’t get charged a penny to sit comfortably while Jungle Jim’s entertains the tots.

BEST PLACE TO REALIZE YOU DON’T WANT CHILDREN

Dinosaur World at Thanksgiving Point

You know how kids, particularly grade school-aged boys, are really into dinosaurs? You know how looking at dinosaurs can get them all wired up? And you know how kids somehow seem to have a built-in sensor that amplifies their own hyperactivity in the presence of other wired up kids? If you’re fighting the urge to procreate, spend a half-hour or so at Thanksgiving Point on a Saturday. You’ll be hoarding contraceptives like Idaho survivalists hoard ammunition. Our advice? Leave the kids to the Allosaurus and visit Thanksgiving Point’s incredible outdoor gardens on your own.

BEST UNTRACKED POWDER

Deer Valley Resort

At the risk of blowing their cover and ruining it for everybody