SHOPS & SERVICES
Readers’ Choice
BEST SPECIALTY FOOD STORE
Liberty Heights Fresh
From organic red leaf lettuce to gourmet European chocolate, Liberty Heights Fresh has everything for the aspiring health nut/gourmand/new-ager. Check out their Out of a Flower, Inc. ice cream with such flavors as Pink Grapefruit and Tarragon, and White Chocolate with Poppy Seeds. Gorgeous, robust produce decks the side wall: living watercress, Italian parsley, fat, shiny eggplant. Fine cheeses like Roquefort nestle against large cans of Helix snails. Moxie Cherry Cream soda sits chilled next to a stand of gourmet cookbooks. Fresh-cut flowers sweeten the air, and big rounds of bread from four different local bakeries are stacked to the ceiling. Clean as your Mom’s kitchen, everything’s arranged just so. Liberty Height Fresh food is worth the extra buck or two.
2. Tony Caputo’s
3. Granato’s
BEST DRAMA STORE
Hansen Drama Bookstore
The proprietors here dig plays that nobody’s ever heard of or that most people think have gone extinct. Not even Barnes & Noble’s extensive computer search system could find some of the books Hansen has stored on its shelves. They also have classy original costumes for actors or dress-up lovers, and of course, blood and nails.
BEST PLACE FOR COSTUMES & PROPS
Deseret Industries
Dress up like Dorothy or the Devil. With antique wedding shoes and backless dresses with polka-dot ties, this is as gaudy as it gets. Improve your reading skills with a wide selection of never-heard-of romance novels. Listen to phonographs with good-looking artists on the cover and buy movies that are truly worth your 25 cents. They have great old couches, baskets and woodwork. If you’re one who enjoys the process of shopping, stop by DI for a good laugh, if nothing else.
BEST POSTAL EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
Kevin Lemon
The long, sour wait at the 230 West 200 South post office turns into lemonade with a unique twist, thanks to Kevin Lemon. “Last year on my birthday,” Lemon said, “a customer was very rude to me and I thought, ‘Would you treat me this way if you knew it was my birthday?’” After this experience, Lemon decided the best way to give excellent postal service was to pretend that it was the birthday of every customer who came up to his window. “Whether they’re sending mail priority or book rate,” Lemon said, “I treat everyone the same. I treat them like this day is their special day. It’s their birthday.”
BEST POTHOLE YOU’LL HIT EVERY TIME ON 900 EAST
900 East at 1200 South
You know it’s there, but you’ll hit it every time you drive south down 900 East. The hole in the road is at 1200 South and is in the precise location where the driver’s side wheels cruise down the street. If the hole was any more to the left, it would be in the yellow-lined paint. If it was located any more to the right, you’d safely straddle it. Instead-ka-chunk!-it’s time for another weekly alignment.
BEST TREE SELECTION
Glover Nursery
With 10 acres to fill up with annuals, perennials, shrubs, vines and trees, you’d kind of expect that most of that display space would be used on trees. It is. Fruit trees, shade trees, pines and exotic trees are the bailiwick of Rod and Bryce Glover and they do trees well. You can get a tree most anywhere, but if you need something more than a cheap sales price—like sound advice—then you owe it to your yard to talk to the Glovers. Acer palmatum, anyone?
Readers’ Choice
BEST HAIR SALON
Jagged Edge Retreat
Need your hair bleached white-blonde with cherry-red tips? Want to see what you’d look like with a blue buzz? Like to see some sassy silvery-blonde streaks artfully placed in your dark chocolate hair %uFFFD la the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls? Jagged Edge is the place to go. They’ve got a taste for contemporary style that doesn’t lag even so much as one month behind big national trends that the rest of Utah seems to have trouble catching up with. (The poofy A-line was over three years ago, OK?) Jagged Edge also offers full pedicures and manicures, massages, facials, waxing, body wraps, permanent cosmetics, eyelash and eyebrow tinting, chemical peels and last but not least, electrolysis. Daring, edgy, sexy, modern: the Jagged Edge is oh-so-cutting-edge.
2. Studio Salon
3. Lunatic Fringe
BEST DUTCH OVENS
Kirkham’s Outdoor
Pioneers valued Dutch Ovens more than their red-headed in-laws. Today they’re valued not just at campsites, but in backyards all along the Wasatch—Utah leads the nation in Dutch Oven usage. Those people understand that a Dutch Oven is like an investment, so most of them use only a Lodge Dutch Oven, clearly the best. Those in the know, know Kirkham’s sells the best of everything. Kirkham’s boasts a wide variety of Lodge products, including frying pans and skillets; all are premier grade, made in the USA, and H-E-A-V-Y. For what-is-the-meaning-of-life types, they are curiously located just one aisle over from the ultra-lightweight backpacking camping gear.
Readers’ Choice
BEST PIERCING
Koi
Koi’s piercers, it seems, are true professionals—two of the staff are actually members of the Association of Professional Piercers, and they’ve all been piercing for five to eight years. Each room has high-speed autoclaves that sterilize every piece of jewelry that’s embedded in your flesh, and they won’t do any piercings that are “not healthy” or the person isn’t responsible enough to take care of. “We do everything from mild to wild,” says Marty Kasteler, an employee at Koi, citing 3/8-inch barbell-shaped metal implants (placed completely underneath the skin) as something more on the latter side. Koi is the only studio in town that devotes their entire attention to piercing. As Kasteler so aptly puts it: “We don’t sell dildos and bongs.”
2. Lost Art
3. A.S.I.
BEST PLACE TO GET A NEW SOLE
Steve’s Custom Shoe Service
Since Steve guarantees every pair of shoes that walk out of his door, he won’t fix just any shoe. He turns away repair business on shoes he doesn’t deem up to his quality for a shoe. When a shoe repaired by Steve finds its way back to your feet, it’s not as good as new, it’s better: Because he gives life and a sole to those things on your feet.
BEST MALL SANTA
South Towne Center
“Natural Santas”—the ones with real beards and real bowls full of jelly—are all the rage now, but South Towne Center was first locally, and still the best. The Sandy mall’s Claus—by contract, real names are never revealed—was a first-timer at the location for the 2001 season, but his way with the little ones was unparalleled. Plus, his very own real-life Mrs. Claus was with him to offer support. If you still want your kids to believe in the magic of Christmas, try the place where one parent was heard to comment, “I feel like he knows what I’ve been doing in the past year.”
BEST COOKIE-CUTTER SELECTION
Spoons & Spice
You’ve been wanting to make some special cookies for that college graduate who’s heading to dentistry school in California, but where can you find cutters of a guy in a mortarboard, a palm tree and a tooth? At Spoons & Spice, where an inventory of over 500 different sizes and shapes guarantees there’s not much you couldn’t render in cookie form if you so choose. This is where to go if you don’t just want to make cookies for a dog-lover, but for a collie-lover, or a schnauzer-lover, or a poodle-lover.
Readers’ Choice
BEST GYM
24 Hour Fitness
Yes, 24 hours in a row—what’s your excuse now? Global chain 24 Hour Fitness was spawned in (where else?) California nearly 20 years ago, but only recently invaded Sugar House, Sandy and Provo to vigorously unseat some perennial Best of Utah winners. Basketball, group cycling, kid’s club, pro shop, personal training, sauna, steam room, whirlpool—all the staples can be found at 24, but don’t make the mistake of believing you’ll be fit in 24 hours (actually overheard once).
2. Lifestyles 2000
3. Xcel
Readers’ Choice
BEST SKI/SNOWBOARD RENTAL
Canyon Sports
You want to rent equipment fast, so you can get on the slope as soon as possible? You want tips on snow conditions and resorts? You want a rental shop that can handle even the most pesky visiting family member or friend who came out from the East Coast to sleep on your sofa and ski? Then this is what you want. Canyon Sports rents an array of best-rated equipment and clothes at fees so reasonable only a prodigal fool or powder junkie would care to actually own them.
2. Salty Peaks
3. REI
Readers’ Choice
BEST TATTOOS
Lost Art
What makes Lost Art the best tat parlor in Salt Lake City? “Because we care,” says Nate Drew, the owner of Lost Art, with only a hint of commercial sarcasm. “We don’t have any gimmicks, just great, quality tattooing.” Operating almost solely on word-of-mouth advertising, Lost Art has built up a solid reputation for selection and high-end quality artists for the four years it has been open. In fact, business is so good that Drew just opened up a Lost Art in Ogden (the city’s second tattoo shop) and is considering opening one in Moab (it’ll be Moab’s virginal first). What was Nate’s favorite tattoo to inflict? “The last one I did,” he says, laughing. “Because I had the opportunity to tattoo someone.”
2. A.S.I.
3. Big Deluxe
BEST PLACE TO BOOST LIFE EXPECTANCY
Wild Oats
It’s a fact, you know. Our copious reliance on Middle Eastern oil and our conspicuous consumption of drive-through fast-food both conspire to make 80 percent of the American population overweight. So move your gut on over to a grocery store that makes you feel healthy whether you buy anything or not. But buy you certainly could, and should. Snag some Ester-C, a passel of broccoli, frozen blueberries and a carton of soy milk. Now all you need to take care of is a gym membership.
Readers’ Choice
BEST BOOKSTORE (CHAIN)
Barnes & Noble
Capitalism meets thoughtfulness at this famous book chain that actually caters to its customers. Peruse the stacks all day long and buy nothing. The clerks don’t care. Or, listen to music at one of the listening stations in their comprehensive CD section. (Sorry, no sitting here). Take a latte-and-biscotti break with your favorite magazine. Hang. Yep, Barnes & Noble has it down. They give you what you want and you give them that Visa card. That’s how it works. And that’s why Barnes & Noble is taking over the world, along with Starbucks coffee, of course. You could feel guilty about spending at the font of big corporate capitalism over the local guy. But hey, competition in the free marketplace must be allowed to work.
2. Borders
3. Amazon.com
Readers’ Choice
BEST BOOKSTORE (LOCAL)
Sam Weller’s Books
The best only got better in the last year, as the renovation was completed on the lower-level used book area. Spelunking through the stacks at Sam Weller’s is less like a visit to a bookstore than it is a trip to a university library, with dusty tomes lining the floors waiting to be filed. Upstairs has, of course, the splendid selection of new books—with plenty of space devoted to Utah authors—but there’s something extra-special about the basement. Any bibliophile worth his or her salt could easily spend a day just prowling around down below looking for a special treasure.
2. King’s English Bookshop
3. Golden Braid Books
BEST BOOKSTORE
The Bookshelf (Ogden)
There’s not a lot of bookstores to choose from, especially now that the famous Bookateria has shut down. But The Bookshelf easily outdistances others. They have a huge collection of used books, as well as a collection of anime videos, comic books and (gulp) Dungeons & Dragons regalia. If you go on the right night, you can see people named “Gandalf” and “Gilrain” roll their 20-sided dice as they traverse the uncharted territory of a lifetime of virginity.
BEST HEBER VALLEY BOOKS
Books & Beyond (Midway)
On the corner of 100 East and Main Street in beautiful Midway, a hundred-year-old brick house with gingerbread trim is home to over 10,000 books. If Midway really is what local townsfolk like to call it—”midway to heaven”—then the Books & Beyond bookstore is the community’s little miracle. The fact that this treasure thrives speaks volumes about the townsfolk. Apparently, people out this way like to buy and read good books. Proprietors Val Chin and Jan Sloan are delightful and knowledgeable women with a gift for literary gab. Along with the healthy selection of diverse reading material, the women host free readings in the cozy setting about once a month. When you’re in Heber Valley, don’t miss it.
Readers’ Choice
BEST MASSAGE
Utah College of Massage Therapy
Feeling stressed out and achy? Feeling old and limp? Do yourself a favor and check into the Utah College of Massage Therapy for a rubdown. Every Saturday and Sunday from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., the college offers full-body massage for only $25 an hour. Dig it. At those rates, you could go for two hours. But then they’d have to call 911 to get your heart started again. No doubt that’s why our dollar-savvy readers chose the college over everybody else in town for perhaps the nicest favor you could ever do for yourself-pay to have someone soothe those sore muscles. And after a hard day biking or roller skating, you’re probably going to need it, baby.
2. Breathe
3. Peony Gardens
BEST WIGS & TOUPEES
Creative Wigs & Toupees
They don’t just offer full wigs, they have three-quarter wigs, butterfly dip pieces and toupees for $350 with a cap that makes it look like your own hair. The owner, Jan Nelson, claims she orders products from all over but tries to have only the best stuff. She has been running the Salt Lake store for 10 years and has bought two other wig stores in order to expand.
BEST MOVING MOUNTAIN
Rent-a-Rock
So that rock-climbing thing has always looked interesting to you, but you’d much rather have the mountain come to Mohammed. Never fear, Provo-based Rent-a-Rock is here, ready to bring a 24-foot-high climbing rock right to your front door. As many as three people can climb at a time, and they deliver anywhere (provided you’re ready to pay $1 a mile on top of the $200-per-hour rental). And even if you’re not the climbing type, haven’t you always wanted to turn your backyard into a photo-op with the Paramount Pictures logo?
Readers’ Choice
BEST OUTDOOR GEAR
REI
In a state practically defined by its appeal to the outdoorsman and—woman, few places cover more all-season terrain than REI. For the slopes-worshipper, it’s ideal for snow gear and apparel. Summer campers will find every conceivable accoutrement. From instant food for the trail to hiking boots, from ski rentals to bedrolls, REI makes it possible to prepare for an entire year far from the hustle and bustle of civilization.
2. Kirkham’s Outdoor
3. Wasatch Touring
BEST FAREWELL TO FIDO
Windsor Pet Caskets
For many people, losing a pet is like losing a member of the family, but there’s not always much help when it happens. Heck, the nearest pet cemetery is in Ogden. But Windsor Pet Caskets can make it easier to say goodbye with its watertight, non-biodegradable options for backyard burials, in addition to urns and memorial markers. They can even ship overnight to your door to make the experience that much easier. Add a custom interior design with favored patterns or pictures, and parting need not be so sorrowful.
BEST PLACE TO GET A BLUE RINSE
Russell’s Beauty Shop
We’re not just about the mullet here at City Weekly—sometimes it’s appropriate to give more traditional ’dos their due. For the senior woman on the go, that means that distinctive azure tint that launched its own nomenclature for the elderly. Russell’s clientele knows where to go when they need the blues, knowing that the shade was cool long before punkers co-opted it. When the Greatest Generation needs its follicular hip replaced, Russell’s is the place.
BEST SLAP SHOT SPOT
Hockey Zone
If anyone’s poised to cash in on the post-Olympic surge in interest in ice hockey, it’s this Murray retailer. NHL merchandise and Olympic team bobblehead dolls occupy their expected spaces, but it’s also the prime spot for players to find sticks, pads, gloves and skates. You can even plop down on a couch on a Saturday afternoon and catch some of ABC’s NHL game of the week. And once you’ve gotten all your gear, you can try it out in the store’s private firing range.
BEST BUSINESS FAÇADE
King Arthur Self Storage
Because it’s crucial for potential customers to know that their belongings are as safe as if they were locked inside the actual Camelot, these South Valley businesses present all the symbolic trappings of a medieval castle. Storage lockers at King Arthur sit behind a stylized stone wall, complete with turrets and a knight in full armor—though on-site archers and cauldrons of boiling oil have not been added. A step above the drab functionality of most self-storage sites, King Arthur’s design shows that at least the architecture of chivalry is not dead.
BEST COSMOPOLITAN, ULTRA-CHIC CLOTHING STORE BARGAIN
Ypsilon Boutique
The Ypsilon in Sugar House is cool, too, and in fact, is practically identical to the Ypsilon in Crossroads Mall. But the Crossroads Ypsilon has this cool bargain rack right next to the north entrance of the store that always has killer, killer deals constantly on hand for the savvy shopper, with prices slashed by an average of 50-90 percent. What is it about Ypsilon’s clothes? They’re sassy, made out of really interesting, high-quality fabric like pink silk, blue suede and red leather and are extremely unique and extremely fashionable, but never in an uppity, I’ll-never-wear-this-on-anything-but-a-catwalk way. Ypsilon: making wicked clothes available to the little people.
Readers’ Choice
BEST BIKE REPAIR
Guthrie Bicycle
More than 100 years ago, J.W. Guthrie opened the bicycle shop. Of course, back then, mountain biking probably would have seemed kind of stupid—not to mention bad for your bike. That’s where Guthrie’s comes in. Whether you need a pre-season tune-up, or you left the bikes on top of your SUV when you pulled into the garage, take them to David Saenz and his technicians. But close your eyes until you get to the back of the store because if you start looking at the new models in the front, you’ll think long and hard about the ultimate tune-up.
2. Wild Rose
3. Canyon Bicycle
BEST PLACE TO DOWN A BUD WHILE DOING YOUR WASH
Stonewash
Don’t want to catch the opening band at The Urban Lounge? Stroll over to the chic, modern Stonewash, which is open from 7 a.m. to midnight every day, even Sundays. You can go downstairs and get a beer while you’re waiting and watch TV at the bar. Or you can wonder what in the hell a small stage with a chair and mic is doing down there set in a cubbyhole in the wall. Do people really perform there?! Anyway, it’s cozy and sexy, and remember, you have a rock show to look forward to after your load comes outta the dryer.
BEST REASON TO BE STRUCK WITH MARCH MELANCHOLY
Salt City CD’s Closing
Man, does this even need an explanation? With a title that was so endearingly ungrammatical (no apostrophe on the “s,” guys), a staff that knew more about music than most people know about their own psyche, 20-plus different music magazines and dozens of reference books, listening centers and one of the state’s widest and most diverse selection of underground and indie CDs and vinyl, Salt City was less a CD store and more of an heroic attempt to make indie music more accessible to the masses. Thanks, Salt City—we’ll miss you.
Best High-End Audio Install
Car Concepts
We doubt you know much about Car Concepts because owner Rick Goeller is married to advertising on radio and especially radio stations that cater to the young males who cherish woofers over women. Hey, it’s a working formula. What is lesser-known though—and you adult males who know that attracting women has a lot to do with woofers after all should pay heed here—is that Car Concepts is especially adept in the design and installation of high-end consumer electronic systems. From Park City stars and starlets, to professional sports players, people who require special expertise for their high-priced autos and sound systems go to Car Concepts. You’ll wish you had one of those newfangled audio/video systems on your boat next time the fish ain’t biting.
BEST PLACE TO SEE KENNY ROGERS, CLINT BLACK OR PEOPLE LIKE THAT
Dee Events Center (Ogden)
While Salt Lake City and even Provo seem to get the top-line acts, Ogden seems to get all the country performers. But, if you’re going to see them, it’s probably best to see them “in the round” at the Dee Events Center. Many still talk about Kenny Rogers’ touching performance of “Lady” two years ago that seemed to presage the bankruptcy of his “Kenny Rogers’ Roasters” chain.
BEST BIG INDIE RECORD SHOP
Starbound Records
Time to ’fess up: Due to our seemingly unconquerable metro SLC elitism, City Weekly once gave West Valley City’s Starbound Records the half-hearted staff award of Best Vinyl Selection in West Valley. Yes, it was pretty lame, considering that the 20-year-old store stands as the largest independent music shop in Utah and arguably the hands-down king when it comes to vinyl and actual 21st-century formats in a blessedly non-corporate setting. One could easily spend days in this 10,000-square-foot joint perusing the cool music finds vintage, recent and used: Rare promo items, picture discs, jukeboxes, rows of 45s and 78s, decent prices—we even found a copy of Foghat’s classic Stone Blue on 8-track, sweet! Get over Salt City and take a drive.
BEST MUSIC SHOP
Orion’s (Park City)
Alright, the truth is that Orion’s is Park City’s only music store, unless you include the cheesy Garth-filled music departments at Wal-Mart and the going, going gone KMart. But that doesn’t make Orion’s any less valuable to Summit County music nuts. Orion’s is a throwback to the music stores of old: You can sit on a comfy sofa, strap on the headphones and listen to a CD before you buy. And if you need assistance finding the perfect groove, the music-savvy guys at Orion’s can always steer you toward something fine.
BEST OBSCURE AND OUT-OF-PRINT FILMS FOR RENT
Tower Theater
The fiscal health of Salt Lake City’s only art-house theater was the subject of copious local concern before Paul Liacopoulos took the helm. So for the umpteenth time: Yes, the Tower is an important part of the local cultural landscape. But don’t overlook the reasons why that’s so. Simply put, the Tower offers not only first-run films, but videos and DVDs that you’ll get nowhere else. The chains have multiple copies of whatever you’re looking for, but only the Tower has out-of-print goodies like Ken Loach’s Kes, Nicolas Roeg’s Don’t Look Now, Robert Bresson’s Au Hasard Balthazar and Orson Welles’ Chimes at Midnight. Just try asking for those anywhere else.
BEST OLD MOVIE RENTALS
Avalon Theatre
A small jaunt south down State Street will get you a treasure trove of more than 5,000 videos for rent at this small local gem. The Avalon is so overloaded with old movies, in fact, that they keep a good deal in storage for quick retrieval. Get Disney for the kids, Casablanca for the wife, and stock up on some Preston Sturges classics for yourself. All Friday rentals are good till Tuesday, so consider yourself set for the weekend and a little beyond. Trust us, you won’t find ’em.
BEST CURE FOR A HYPOCHONDRIAC
Accuscan Health Imaging
Curious about what lurks beneath your skin? Nervous about any scar tissue that’s silently forming in your lungs after years of smoking? Waltz into Accuscan’s Gateway office for a total body scan that will reproduce your innards in vivid detail using state-of-the-art computer tomography. Marvel at complete 3-D images of your colon, brain, heart and vital organs. Basically, this process can detect virtually any and every abnormality your body might host, including stones, cancers, osteoporosis and calcified plaque in the heart. At $1,620, it ain’t cheap, but you can opt to have separate parts of your body scanned for less. Besides, can you put a price on health?
BEST HORSE COUTURE
A.A. Callister Co.
Never mind the store’s mind-boggling array of cowboy boots. One-stop shopping for all your horse needs is right here, from reins to feed to saddles to riding boots. Plus, if you’re in the market for a new horse, peruse the store’s bulletin board near the women’s rest room. Here you’ll find posted flyers advertising 8-year-old Quarter Horses with “full muscular conformation and intelligent disposition,” mules for stud service, or gray stallions with awe-inspiring athletic prowess.
BEST-NAMED SALON
It’s All About Me
Located in the heart of West Jordan on 7800 South, the most perfectly christened beauty salon, like, ever. Doubt it? Ask any woman what it’s really all about and get back to us.
BEST PLACE TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY
Bankruptcy Clinic Inc.
Don’t feel bad. After all, more than 1.45 million Americans filed for bankruptcy last year. Here in Utah, where filing is above the national average, it’s almost a rite of passage. And anyone—and we do mean anyone—with a dip in income is susceptible. To find the silver lining in this malaise, you basically need an attorney with experience. Craig Trenton, a lawyer with 17 years’ experience in tax and bankruptcy matters combined, can make this difficult step a little bit sweeter. After you’ve finished, just remember to burn any and all credit-card applications you come across.
BEST CHINA SHOP
edish
Fine China is a family hand-me-down for some, an obsession for others. edish in Sugar House is here for the fine china-collector fanatic, or anyone looking for a replacement after your clumsy guest accidentally drops a cup during high tea. They buy. They sell. And more than anyone, edish probably has that gravy boat, English fine-bone china, dinnerware or specific crystal set you’re looking for. With another store inventory in Houston to choose from, you won’t have to tame your inner bull in this china shop.
BEST SEXUALLY- ORIENTED BUSINESS
Backstreet Boutique
A lot of people up in Ogden will tell you that Northern Xposure still has the stranglehold in this one, but the smart money is on the Backstreet Boutique. They have everything from edible underpants to leather chaps to … well, you just have to stop by and see.
BEST BROW JOBS
Heyebrow
You pamper and primp those strands on top, but keep an eye on the brow. If eyes are the window to the soul, then there’s a lot to be said for the hair up there. Barbara Pavlinch (City Weekly receptionist extraordinaire by day) does her utmost to give you the best window-dressing possible, with expert tinting and fierce tweezing. Hirsute men can even rid themselves of the dreaded “monobrow.”
BEST UGLY STREET
State Street
Signs, signs, everywhere a sign. Along with the car lots, pawn shops and fast-food troughs, State Street does its best to make the Salt Lake Valley look as hideous as possible. How it could ever be changed is unimaginable. But hallowed be the brave soul who tries.
BEST OVERALLS AND SEEDS
Intermountain Farmers Association
No one ever said overalls would be making a fashion comeback anytime soon. They never were in fashion. Overalls are good for one thing: working in the garden or on the farm. So you might as well put two and two together. Intermountain Farmers Association has damned near any type of seed you’d want and the fashion tips you need when it comes time for plantin.’
BEST PROTECTED CONDOMS
Smith’s
Perhaps frightened by the rumors of insipid condom thieves roaming the valley, the Smith’s at 800 South and 900 East has made buying condoms extra-inconvenient. The store requires potential prophylactic patrons to ask a clerk to unlock the glass case that holds them. It helps to pick which kind you want beforehand so your personal helper doesn’t get too annoyed waiting for you to choose between the ribbed and the pleasure mesh.
BEST NEO-ALCATRAZ ARCHITECTURE
Utah Museum of Fine Arts
“Fine art” usually connotes a thing of beauty—a performance or work of art that inspires, influences and engages. One would think that a museum constructed to house such work would reflect those principles. Outside of historic buildings on Presidents Circle, good architecture is not welcome on the University of Utah’s campus. Not even for the museum would administrators, trustees and donors go out on a limb and do something special. From the outside, the building is about as inspiring as a parking garage. And although it may have a bounty of beauty inside, by building a boring behemoth, campus leaders bit the big one.
BEST HUNTING GEAR
Sportsman’s Warehouse (Ogden)
If you’re up in Ogden and you ever get the urge to kill something, be sure to stop by the Sportsman’s Warehouse first. Here, you can buy a complete arsenal of guns and knives, a full-on camouflage outfit and some 100-percent authentic deer urine. Be sure to stop by the Polaroid picture wall of all the people who’ve had their pictures taken with something they’ve killed!
