Best Utah Cocktails

Well, here it is “Best of Utah” time, which means over here at SmartBomb we’ve worked ourselves into a dither. Frankly, we could use a drink. So in keeping with the Best of Utah theme, here are recipes for several libations that will whet your whistle while you peruse the pages of City Weekly.

The Hot Rocky

- Swirl 4-oz. ambitious tequila in a public sector

- Splash liberally with 1-tbsp. Tobasco hot sauce

- Mix on demand with 1-oz. cinnamon schnapps

- Ring out administratively every drop of the juice of 1 lime

- Blend exhaustively with hard cubes from a Dan Berman mold

- Serve with diversity

The Red-Faced Ruzicka

- Strictly measure 3-oz. Southern Comfort

- With a 1-oz. drape of Amarretto for modesty

- Censor 2-oz. sloe gin

- With 1 clandestine cap of Triple Sec

- Add 1 cup lobbied cranberry juice

- Top with 1 virgin cherry

- Serve out of the sight of teenagers

Merrill’s Martini

- Mix 3 parts erratic vodka

- Making sure to discard independent label

- With 60 milligrams crushed Prozac

- In a stout, conservative vessel

- Taking care not to shake up

- Stir slowly with a Vienna sausage

The Mitt Fizz

- Begin with three parts international sparkling wine

- Disguise with 1 part homegrown orange juice

- Slice and float large corporate strawberries

- Sweeten with litigation from imitation sponsors

- Pour into expensive crystal flutes, later to be returned to taxpayers

- Serve at sunset with 1 Beantown juggernaut

The Tristan Gale Hurricane

- Mix 3 parts sleek grapefruit juice

- With the sliding ability of 1-oz. cranberry sauce

- Add the juice of 1 youthful but unknown lime

- Blend at 60 miles per hour

- Sprinkle with the smiles of coconut shavings

- Top with a gold medal

The Larry Miller Mai Tai

- Mix two parts industrial strength pineapple juice

- With the highly motivated squeezings of 1 lemon

- Add 1 expansive minded commercial kumquat

- Blend emotionally with dealership ice into a froth

- Rebuild in 1 hollowed-out dome with a paper umbrella,

extra-long dunking straws and 7 former napkins

- Forget about the title

Superdell Sangria

- Mix 2 parts holier-than-thou red wine

- With the juice of 1 self-righteous orange

- Sprinkle the zest of media-savvy lemon rinds

- Season with the tacky humor of a guava

- Serve slightly chilled in ostentatious glassware

- With a techno swizzle and a 90-day guarantee

Cheers!