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News » Deep End

Bitter With the Tweet

Obama distracted during presidential debate



What was up (or, more accurately, down) with President Obama in last week’s debate? Both the Twitter universe and the blogosphere are exploding with conspiracy theories about why Mr. Obama seemed totally out to lunch during his encounter with the ever-peppy Mit(t) Romney, who for his part was apparently the victim of a caffeine overdose, courtesy of a couple of liters of Mountain Dew.

Was Mr. Obama, a recent convert to the royal and ancient game of golf, like, totally bummed by the Americans’ gagging collapse in the Ryder Cup? Had the Obama family dog, Bo, been kidnapped by John Boehner? Had Mr. Obama’s Kenyan handlers failed to prep him on the basics of American presidential debates? Was Mr. Obama flummoxed by Bishop Romney giving him a Mormon secret handshake? (Most keen-eyed observers have concluded that the handshake was the Sure Sign of the Nail, though a militant minority is adamant that it was the Grip Patriarchal.) Had Mr. Romney put a voodoo hex on him by giving him the evil eye? (For the latter possibility, see the third tweet below.)

The most frequently asked question tweeted during the debate centered on Mr. Obama’s downward gaze when Mr. Romney was lying his head off every time it was his turn to talk. Was Mr. Obama taking notes? Was he checking baseball scores on his smartphone? Was he scanning through photos of his hero Karl Marx to get inspiration? Or was he simply getting text- message advice from his personal imam, Sheik Ali Baba Very Scary?

Actually, as the Deep End has learned, President Obama, a known tweetaholic, was tweeting like a maniac during the debate. Highly placed sources tell the Deep End that Mr. Obama has found it more difficult to rein in his tweeting than to stop smoking. (By the way, some observers attribute Mr. Obama’s distracted performance on his withdrawal from nicotine.)

While we cannot, for copyright purposes, present the entire corpus of President Obama’s debate tweets, we are able, under the terms of the Fair Use doctrine, to provide a representative sampling of the aforesaid tweets:

- Ouch! Wassup w/ that arm squeeze? Gonna have a bruise 4sure tomorrow. And that handshake was weird, that middle finger digging into my wrist.

- Man, what’s that dude on? He’s blinking a mile a minute and barking out his answers like a sea lion. He’s scaring the hell out of Jim Lehrer.

- Can’t take my eyes off Bro Mit(t)’s hair. What do these white dudes use on their do’s? And what happened to that shoe-polish tan he had last week?

- Every time I look up, Bro Mit(t) is starin’ at me like a border collie. I’m feeling very drowsy.

- Jim Lehrer has fallen asleep again. Maybe if I throw some of my Nicorette lozenges at him. Man, I’d sure like a smoke ’bout now.

- Jeezus! Can smell Bro Mit(t)’s Aqua Velva way over here. Last time a man reeked of that stuff was when Uncle Orrin Hatch collared me at a golf outing and lobbied me to subsidize high colonics.

- Not cuttin’ taxes? What’s Bro Mit(t) going to deny next? That he put Seamus on the roof of the family station wagon for a 13-hour trip to Canada?

- What’s the deal with him sayin’ he knows when folks are not telling the truth because he has five sons???

- What’s that on Bro Mit(t)’s lapel flag pin, which is size of a playin’ card. Looks like All-Seeing Eye ... I’m gettin’ very drowsy.

- Was that supposed to be a zinger, saying I’m entitled to my house, but not my facts? If I mention his many houses, he’ll claim he lives in a fixer-up bungalow.

- Bro Mit(t)’s boys looked very pissed off about him calling them liars. Can’t tell ’em apart, Tagg, Urk, Mork, whatever their names are. They all look like Mr. Spock.

- Michelle trying to get my attention, but can’t keep my eyes open. Her fault for hiding my Marlboro Lights.

- Glad to have this over. Another handshake from Bro Mit(t), this time with some sort of pinkie interlock. Something in that Aqua Velva? Feelin’ very light-headed.

- OOOPS. Michelle sez I really forked things up tonight. Be sleepin’ in the doghouse with Bo, if he comes back.

In related news, Mit(t) Romney denied that he is, was, or ever has been a Mormon.