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News » The Ocho


Eight reasons the 2017 summer movie season tanked:


8. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword: Dungeons & Dragons nerds didn’t leave the house.
7. Transformers: The Last Knight: Mark Wahlberg wasn’t believable as a brainiac inventor who can’t get laid.
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Johnny Depp was too believable as a winesoaked fop who’s only in it for the money.
5. An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power: 80 percent of screens were blocked by Al Gore’s carbon footprint.
4. The Dark Tower: Was widely mistaken to be an extra-extra-long Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial.
3. Valerian: America’s patience for nonsensically-scripted comicbook fare was depleted by Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.
2. Baywatch: Graphic sex scenes between The Rock and Zac Efron didn’t play well in red states.
1. The Mummy: Graphic sex scenes between Tom Cruise and himself didn’t play well anywhere.