Dude, Where’s My Chicken?

08/06/06, 20:30, Car Jacking, near 100 North and Redwood Road

“The victim had borrowed a friend’s gold 2003 Chevy Silverado extended cab truck. While attempting to leave the Kentucky Fried Chicken parking lot, he was approached by a male Hispanic adult, 23 years old, 5-feet, 8-inches, 165 pounds, with red hair. The male suspect produced a knife and demanded that the victim exit the truck and took the victim’s wallet. The suspect got into the truck and was last seen driving northbound on Redwood Rd.

As Lord Polonius advised his son Laertes in Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend.” Apt, but as Col. Harland Sanders offered some centuries later, “Don’t be against things so much as for things.” And who, besides the guy out a truck, could be against the colonel’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices?

Anti-Gramite

08/04/06, 12:18, Purse Snatch, near 500 South and Jeremy Street

“The 92-year-old victim was walking home from the grocery store when the suspect, male Hispanic adult, 20’s, thin build, black spiked hair, small goatee, wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and a black baseball cap, approached her and knocked her to the ground. The suspect took her purse and was last seen running eastbound on 400 South. The victim suffered minor injuries.

“Call Me.”

08/06/06, 22:27 Aggravated Assault, 2982 S. 1100 East

“The victim met [the 40-year-old female suspect] a couple of days before and the two went out. Tonight they went to a bar and to dinner, but got into an argument. The victim decided he would walk home but was confronted by the [suspect] in her vehicle. The [suspect] motioned to the victim to come over to her and as he entered the street, she ran over him and fled the scene. The victim was transported to the hospital in critical condition. Officers were able to develop suspect information and arrested the [suspect] at her address for the aggravated assault.

Speeding Toward Mediocrity

08/04/06, 16:48, Fleeing, 3300 S. I-15

“The officer was on his way to work when he observed a motorcycle traveling at a high rate of speed on the freeway. The motorcycle took the 3300 South Exit and the officer pulled up behind him and activated his emergency equipment. The motorcycle failed to stop and went between several vehicles and southbound on 300 West. Undaunted, the officers went to the registered owner’s address, where [the 28-year-old male suspect] was taken into custody.”

Webster’s defines undaunted as “courageously resolute.” If it follows that swinging over to the alleged speeder/evader’s registered address qualifies as undaunted police work, there must be at least a few daunted flatfoots solving Sudoku for their paychecks.

Odd Man Out

08/03/06, 20:22, Conductive Energy Device Deployment, Pioneer Park

“The officer observed a large number of people gathered around the restroom area. When he went to investigate, all but one fled the area. The officer observed [the 36-year-old male suspect] with his hands in the garbage can. The officer ordered the [suspect] to show his hands. When the [suspect] took a fighting stance, the officer deployed his Taser. This had no effect on the [suspect], who pulled out the barbs [electrodes]. Backup officers arrived and the [suspect] was taken into custody.