Calibrating the Benson-O-meter
Here at SmartBomb, we’ve come across a new tool that may help some understand what a weird, er, oops, shall we say interesting, place this sometimes can be. It’s not always easy to read the tea leaves—er, ah, let’s say, Postum leaves—concerning the local culture and its values. This new tool will help its users navigate all things Zion. It’s called the Benson-O-meter, in honor of Deseret News columnist Lee Benson.
Here’s how it works. Benson is the prefect barometer of parochial and provincial Utah. When Benson likes something, as he does the proposal to erect a 50,000-square-foot convention center on Hidden Peak, the Benson-O-meter can reach as high as 10.0. Conversely, when he dislikes something as much as the ACLU’s lawsuit against Salt Lake City concerning the purchase of a block of Main Street by the LDS church, the Benson-O-Meter can register as low as 1.0.
But here’s the trick to wise use of the Benson-O-meter: You must calibrate it to reflect just the opposite of what Lee offers. As pointed out, a 10.0 on the Benson-O-meter actually means something utterly sucks. A convention center on Hidden Peak? Please. By contrast, a 1.0 on the Benson-O-meter probably means that whatever is at question is truly needed. For example, when Benson opined recently about those who filed suit to stop the Legacy Highway from destroying wetlands, he was so put out that it registered a 2.3 on the Benson-O-meter. Calibrating our Benson-O-meter by turning it upside down, we find that the lawsuit is actually a good thing.
As you can see, the Benson-O-meter is easy to operate, provides insights and gets great results, provided, of course, that you use it properly. Order yours today while supplies last at firstname.lastname@example.org.
* Willard Romney, known hereabouts as “Mitt,” is well on his way to becoming the next governor of Massachusetts. But there may be one little hang-up. As you’ll recall, out of nowhere last summer the Mittster felt the need to “clarify” his stance on abortion, saying that he is steadfastly against it. That was cool in right-leaning Utah, but it doesn’t fly quite as nicely in New England, where Yankees don’t think the government ought to stick its nose into other people’s wombs.
Stay tuned: Mitt may have to “clarify” his stance on abortion again before the election season is out.
* Here’s something from our “Religiosity”-file: Some people around Springville in Utah County are possessed by Springville High School’s mascot, the Red Devil. And they want it exorcised—now! Why now, after all these years? It was introduced in 1967. Well, who knows? But the Nebo School District has decided to survey residents, including high school students, to determine if they really want to cheer on Satan—oops, make that the Red Devil. Don’t you just love Utah County?
* And finally, from our “NASCAR”-file, this: Steve Miller writes in (see Letters) to say how we here at SmartBomb are nabobs for not digging round-dee-round auto polo. We’ll have to admit that NASCAR races probably are great for drinking beer. Because unlike football or basketball, or even baseball for that matter, you really don’t need to pay attention to what’s going on. They just keep going ’round and ’round.