Captain Donald Moroni to the Rescue | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Captain Donald Moroni to the Rescue

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Fun Fact: Captain Moroni was appointed chief captain of all the Nephite armies. If, like Wilson and band, you don't know who the Nephites were, don't worry. All you need to know is that they show up in The Book of Mormon, the gospels of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka the Mormons. Last week, our pious U.S. Sen. Mike Lee, apparently after some kind of epiphany, was dancing around an Arizona stage to the cool vibes of the Village People with Donald Trump, comparing him in glorious terms to Captain Moroni, who lived 1,000 years ago. "He seeks not power, but to pull it down," Lee shouted to the heavens and Arizona Mormons. "He seeks not the praise of the world or the fake news, but he seeks the well-being and the peace of the American people." Mormon gospel says nothing about rabbit holes, but Lee may have fallen down one. For Trump's Republican Party, ideology is like poison ivy treated only with a balm of wealth and power. And of course, Trump worries not about praise because his sycophants are there with pompoms 24/7. As for the well-being of the American people, well, we know where he is on that one—230,000 dead and counting isn't really all that big of a deal, is it? Captain Moroni? How about Captain Queeg?

Mrs. Falwell and the Forbidden Fruit—The Sequel
When last we tuned in, the infamous evangelical, Jerry Falwell Jr., had been caught with his pants down—yes, literally. A risqué photo of the boozed-up former president of Liberty University with a young, blurry-eyed woman eventually led to the realization that his wife was having a thang with the pool boy. (We couldn't possibly make this up.) Not only were the young, buff pool boy and the middle-age Becki Falwell getting it on, but she confessed that Jerry liked to watch when they did the hootchie-kootchie. No surprise, when Liberty University's board of directors recovered from what can only be described as a religious panic attack, they told Jerry to pray and get the hell out. Now, two months and much prayer later, Jerry is suing the university because, he contends, they accepted the false claims by the pool boy and his wife, that they were, well, you know, playing hide the biblical salami. In something right out of TrumpWorld, Jerry alleges that the university has damaged his reputation. Meanwhile, Becki and the pool boy are keeping a very low profile. There is no further evidence of delusional enchantment, but we won't really know until the next episode of As Jerry Turns.

Don't Trust Them Scientists
See, here's the thing, you can't trust anybody these days. Those stupid scientists telling lies about COVID-19. And doctors—you can never trust them—they get paid more when people die. Trump said. Just look at the mess we're in. We can't go to bars. We can't tailgate at football games we can't go to. No wonder a dozen brave patriots who wouldn't give their names protested outside the home of Utah state epidemiologist Angela Dunn for ... for saying stuff about people catching the virus and making the hospitals all full and everything. What about our jobs? What the hell is wrong with her? And all those people supposedly dying from COVID, all while it's down to almost nothing? Don Jr. said. The Fake News is making this pandemic into some kind of big deal. COVID, COVID, COVID. That's all you hear. What about something else for a change? Why can't we just go back to football and the days when Trump was Making America Great Again and you could say stuff, like, White Lives Matter and You Will Never Replace Us? Them was the good ol' days.

Postscript—Years from now, people will be telling their children and grandchildren that they lived through 2020, kinda like boomers still reminisce about 1968, when there was a war in Vietnam and Nixon was president and the whole country was being ripped apart. They'll say stuff like, people were dropping like flies from COVID-19 and the president was barnstorming around the country saying it was no big deal and scientists warning of danger should be hanged. Creepy guys in camou with guns and women in QAnon T shirts were looking to thump folks who they thought might vote for Biden. And Biden voters were wondering why those raggedy MAGA people wanted a dictatorship. Half of the country had blood in its eye. And the other half of the country had blood in its eye. No matter which way you sliced it, some bad shit was going to come down. If Biden won the election, Trump would call foul and barricade himself in the White House with a supply of Big Macs. And if Trump won, his secret militia guys would be in the streets with hanging ropes. Yep, 50 years from now, old folks will look back at their youth and say, man, that was a time, COVID was killing people off and Trump president and the whole country was being ripped apart.

Well Wilson, what's the worst that can happen? They can't send us to Afghanistan. And Canada is still there if we have to make a run for it. All right, then, take us out with a song for the stalwarts, and then let's hit the bunker.

Oh, what did you see
My blue-eyed son?
And what did you see
My darling young one?

I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children

And it's a hard, it's a hard
It's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

"It's A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"—Bob Dylan