What if it all boils down to this: Billy Joel is right. You really do get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers.
People might ask, “What’s the matter with the clothes you’re wearing?” But they’d only further prove the point that Billy Joel is right, because he asked that question first.
I’m not trying to be quick with a joke or to light up your smoke, but universities should teach Billy Joel 101. With a B (for Billy) being the highest grade you could earn. If a pupil asks, “Should I try to be a straight ‘A’ student?” The professor’s answer would be, “If you are, then you think too much.”
Upper-level Joel would be a dissertation on cheapness. Cheap sneakers, cheap food, cheap entertainment. Possibly even a class in ornithology, because the birds say, “Cheap. Cheap.”
You get the point there, piano man? Or am I movin’ out too quick?
What we have here isn’t a failure to communicate, but a new column for the City Weekly. We call it Cheap Shot. And I’ll be your hostess with the least-est, looking for ways to do what you do but for less money.
You may learn how to save 3 percent on your tithing (lie) or 3.2 percent on your Pabst Blue Ribbon. The possibilities may be endless, but money isn’t. So let’s get cheap.
Today, we’re taking a chip shot over to some public golf courses. Not to golf, but to eat.
Starting at 7 a.m., the breakfast special of eggs, hash browns and bacon, ham or sausage with toast and coffee or hot chocolate is only $4. French toast is a oui $3. Or after 11 a.m., try the Western smoked barbecue-beef sandwich with fries ($4.75).
Two blocks east and a 5-iron north of Nibley is Forest Dale (2375 S. 900 East). Most golf courses have driving ranges, so you can get warmed up before your game. Forest Dale does not. They have the Red Onion Grill. Nothing gets a true sportsman going like a fried two-egg sandwich with cheese and sausage, ham or bacon ($3.35). Who needs a half-bucket of balls to warm up when you can get a full bucket of cholesterol?
On the west side of Interstate 15 is Glendale (1603 W. 2100 South). The great thing about Glendale is that it has porta-potties strategically situated all over the course. It’s like the course designer said, “Here, we’ll have a sand trap. There, we’ll put a lake. And, if a golfer wants to cut the corner on hole No. 3, they can stop and do a No. 1 or a No. 2.”
You’ll see the logic in these outhouse obstacles, especially if your cartmate is putt-putting because he or she started the day downing a chili cup ($3.25) or eating a jumbo hot dog with grilled onions ($2.50).
Golf courses aren’t just for golfing. And Billy Joel isn’t just for worshipping. Now, if only I can get this story front page—in bold type. Then I can be a big shot tonight.