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News » Private Eye

Clowning Around



In just a couple days it will be Christmas, a far different Christmas than just one year ago. Last year many of us prayed that a good and decent 2020 would be the best of all Christmas gifts, that we all might be another year closer to the greater America that Donald Trump boasted about but that he failed so miserably to make happen. Those prayers asked to take us safely through one more terrible year of Trump fanaticism, then to any kind of sanity that followed his mess of a presidency.

Any kind of sanity is a loose ambition. Should another government circus follow Trump, even the clown show within it would be better than what Trump has been—the tiger that ate half of Siegfried and Roy. The trouble with clowns, though, is that some people adore them while others are fully frightened of them. When the clown genre includes kiddie friendly clowns like Bozo the Clown or Ronald McDonald but also reaches into the terror spectrum with Pennywise or John Wayne Gacy, it's no wonder that clowns take the blame for nearly everything.

Trump himself has been called a clown. You know that if you've been paying attention to something other than the news feeds and people that worship him, like Fox, OANN, The New York Post, Breitbart and of course, Utah Sen. Mike Lee and Rep. Chris Stewart. They love saying they love Trump. I get it. Some people like Pennywise. Lee and Stewart are like those people—just normal everyday Americans who say they love all there is to love about America, but who also stand by and do nothing while clowns kill people. Perfectly normal.

Trump is the flesh and blood form of the most conspicuous clown of all, Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofsky—Krusty the Clown. Krusty made it to American TV back in 1989—somewhere near the time Trump was buying full page ads calling for the execution of the Central Park Five. Both were honing their devilish and often inept crafts at that time, and somehow both would merge into similar beings. If you were a fan of The Simpsons, you wonder which is the chicken and which is the egg.

Some people even wonder if Trump himself were not tuned in because if you just go to the Krusty the Clown wiki, you could say that both lived very nearly the same life. In other words, if you study clowns, you have a good sense of who Trump is. Per Wikipedia, "Krusty is a multimillionaire who has amassed his fortune mostly by licensing his name and image to a variety of substandard products and services." Ring a bell? Trump Steaks, Trump wine or Trump casinos? Like Trump, Krusty had a lifelong, strained relationship with the father he famously disappointed.

As well, "Krusty is a hard-living entertainment veteran, sometimes depicted as a jaded, burned-out has-been who has been down and out several times and remains addicted to gambling, cigarettes, alcohol, Percodan, Pepto-Bismol and Xanax. He instantly becomes depressed as soon as the cameras stop rolling." Stories about Trump's alleged secret addictions are all over the internet (minus the cigarettes, plus the Adderall). Everyone who ever met him agrees he's a publicity hog, to wit, holding clownish pep rallies in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic in order fill his need for adulation.

When things were going the absolute worst for Krusty—back in 2002, by the way, plenty of time for Trump to copy and practice the move—"Bart convinces Krusty to run for Congress so that Krusty can introduce an airline rerouting bill and stop planes from flying over the Simpsons' house. Krusty agrees and runs on the Republican ticket. Although his campaign starts off badly, Lisa suggests that he try connecting with regular families. He does so, resulting in a landslide victory." I'll leave it to you to fill in the blanks and connect the dots. Let's just say we were warned.

So here we come to that end of 2020, the year that so many hoped would be their best turned out to be their worst. It's been a clown show. Just like at the circus, we keep our eye on the clown so we don't witness the mayhem happening all around. If Trump has any special talent it is that he has learned to keep all the attention on him. He's been the perfect distraction for all manners of political mayhem, making him the perfect foil for the likes of Mitch McConnell and others who don't mind one bit wallowing in elephant poop so long as no one is paying attention to what they're doing as they fulfill their own private agendas.

I wouldn't be the first person to say America has no president, that America is without a leader. America has a bleater, not a leader. So be it. In another few weeks he will be gone from his office, and we will be better off than we have been. The Christmas wishes of 2019 might still happen in 2021. It's not too late.

So, to those who were elected to lead us in the most recent election, my single wish is that you don't act the clown, you don't be the clown, you disown the clown. Spencer Cox, Merry Christmas, know who the clowns are in your midst. Mike Lee, Merry Christmas, be a better clown. Chris Stewart, Merry Christmas, wipe off the elephant dung. Burgess Owens, Merry Christmas, nice tackle. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, Merry Christmas, end the clown show. We've had enough. Really. That show must not go on. To all of you still around after 10 hellacious months: We love you even when no one else seems to.

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