Come to Utah—We'll Never Run Out of Everything | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
Support the Free Press.
Facts matter. Truth matters. Journalism matters.
Salt Lake City Weekly has been Utah's source of independent news and in-depth journalism since 1984.
Donate today to ensure the legacy continues.

News » Opinion

Come to Utah—We'll Never Run Out of Everything

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



You've got to come to Utah, it's just the best. We have jobs and housing and hiking and skiing and national parks and seagulls and homemade bread and a clean lifestyle with absolutely no crime and everybody loves everybody else who drives new cars and we don't have traffic jams and the air is rated tops and our education system can't be beat and our kids are all above average and our Jell-O wins awards around the world. When you and the hordes cram into the Beehive State, you'll notice that our national parks are never crowded, and there is no problem driving up the canyons to ski and there is always plenty of parking. We're proud to be the fastest growing state in the nation, and we spent a lot of taxpayer bucks to do it. We love to give tax breaks to corporations that relocate here because we tax the hell out of residents to make up for it. Utah is very progressive—we have 5 percent beer and state-run liquor stores with grand selections. And we're diverse, we have more diversity than other lily-white places, and our culture is unbelievably cultural. There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't move to Utah now! Our resources, open spaces and water will never run out no matter how many people move here from California and New York and Texas and ...

A New Holiday for the GOP—Jan. 6
You may not be aware of this but the Jan. 6 Love-In at the nation's Capitol was a smashing success (no pun intended). At the recent Women for Trump Conference at Mar-A-Lago, sponsors proudly displayed enlargements of photos of the insurrection—er, uh—Love-In. In Congress, Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson said the Love-In participants were "people who love this country." And 42 percent of Republicans polled said the debacle was "peaceful." How do you spell, "g-a-s-l-i-g-h-t-i-n-g"? The Grand Old Prevaricators know how to turn a phrase on its head—the Trump base now looks more radical than ever. Almost 80 percent of the GOP believes Joe Biden did not win the election. You sure can't fool them with the facts. As David Brooks writes, "This is no longer just about Trump the man, it's about how you are going to look at reality—as the muddle it's always been, or as an apocalyptic hellscape." Let's go out on a limb here and say, for Trumpers, it's the latter. Women for Trump, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers and others are already planning the next "Sixth of January" holiday insurrection—think fireworks and pipe bombs. And by then maybe more of them will be out of jail—or not. The DOJ expects to indict 500 of those nice Love-In people.

Kavanaugh: Life Without Parole for Kids
Remember Brett Kavanaugh? He is the spoiled, rich kid who, after some red-blooded high school and college drinking and whoring, found himself working for Kenneth Starr investigating Bill Clinton's drinking and whoring. That qualified him for a top spot in the George W. Bush White House, which, in turn, set him up to be appointed to the federal D.C. Court of Appeals by his buddy, W. That's what we call jurisprudence. Before you could say, "Justice is for the rich," Kavanaugh was nominated for a seat on the Supreme Court by a rabid orangutan. That's when his charmed life hit a tiny speed bump. His confirmation hearings revealed Kavanaugh drank a lot—he actually yelled at Minnesota's Democratic Sen. Amy Klobuchar: "I like beer (you bitch)!" He'd also done something to a girl in high school and another in college that left them traumatized. Some wondered if he was fit for a seat on the high court. But his supporters said, ah, he was just a kid back then, give him break. Then last week, Kavanaugh wrote the majority opinion in the case of Jones v. Mississippi, holding that a 15-year-old could be sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Joining him were justices Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch and Coney Barrett—all "pro-lifers."

Postscript—Well, that's it for another week in the brave new world here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of those twins of different mothers—Brett Kavanaugh and Tucker Carlson—so you don't have to. (Wilson and the band think they're actually the same person.) There is, of course, plenty of bad news to go around. A person claiming to be legendary cult filmmaker Trent Harris proclaimed last week: "We're doomed." A philosopher left over from the "flower power" days, known to his followers as Chops, always held to this truism: "When you're doomed, you're doomed." History teaches us that we've always been doomed, according to researchers here at Smart Bomb. John the Baptist preached doom, and that was over 2,000 years ago. He was the one who originally coined the phrase: "We're going to hell in a handbasket." That's probably why people drink or smoke herbs. It's just a lot easier to face the "end of days" if you're high. The first alcoholic beverage was invented some 9,000 years ago in China, made from rice and fruit. The first beer was brewed about 5,000 years ago in Mesopotamia—known as "the cradle of civilization," which can mean only one thing: Even back then, we were toast—so, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

Well, Wilson, we've got to pull ourselves together and carry on, doom or no doom. So, what have you and the guys in the band got that we can hum through the next week:

You work and work for years and years, you're always on the go
You never take a minute off, too busy makin' dough
Someday you say, you'll have your fun, when you're a millionaire
Imagine all the fun you'll have in your old rockin' chair

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think
Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink
The years go by, as quickly as a wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

Your heart of hearts, your dream of dreams, your ravishing brunette
She's left you and she's now become somebody else's pet
Lay down that gun, don't try my friend to reach the great beyond
You'll have more fun by reaching for a redhead or a blond

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think
Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink
The years go by, as quickly as a wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

"Enjoy Yourself"—Guy Lombardo