Conserve—Order Your Toilet-Bowl Cuisinart Now! | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
Support the Free Press.
Facts matter. Truth matters. Journalism matters.
Salt Lake City Weekly has been Utah's source of independent news and in-depth journalism since 1984.
Donate today to ensure the legacy continues.

News » Opinion

Conserve—Order Your Toilet-Bowl Cuisinart Now!

Smart Bomb: The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis



The drought, like Covid and the congressional Republican caucus, is much worse than we expected. The reservoirs are at all-time lows. Farmers have to let their crops burn up and ranchers are selling off their cattle. If things get any more bleak we're going to have to put conservation into high gear. If you wash your clothes with biodegradable detergent or Miracle-Gro you can drain the washing machine onto your lawn or garden. And for showers: Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Kramer washed lettuce for a salad in the shower? Actually, making salad or pasta in the shower is not that hard. Already Shower Deli is offering specials on shower-door colanders and steamers and yes, they even offer a shower-drain food disposal. As you may have guessed by now, saving on toilet water is a bit more challenging. Of course, there's the old trick of putting a couple of bricks in the tank. But the new "Barrel Flusher" by Pooploop is a breakthrough that depends only on gravity. Here's how it works: Install the Barrel Flusher kit under your roof rain gutter outside the bathroom with a gravity feed to your toilet tank. Then, after a thunderstorm you can flush to your heart's content. That's a good feeling twice over. Ah yes, the little pleasures.

Want to Get Away—Where Nobody Knows Your Name
There's a beach near a beautiful little Spanish city with your name on it. But it gets better—no one there knows you. All those Spaniards with their beautiful olive skin are soaking up the rays, oblivious to the coming apocalypse. News from the U.S. is hard to find—not that you'd want to go looking for it. There's you and all those young Spanish bodies and the sand and the sea and unless people hear your American accent, nobody will mention Trump or the Jan. 6 crazies. And if your Americanness does come clanging through, they probably won't ask you about him anyway, because they don't give two shits about Trump. They do think our gun laws are totally insane, but if you agree with them on that, they'll probably buy you a glass of Verdejo. But fair warning, life in Spain can be pretty challenging. For one thing you can't eat dinner until 10 p.m. And then you have to try all the different tapas dishes and, of course, you can't do that without drinking a lot of Garnacha. Luckily, after your morning on the beach you'll have to take a siesta. Hint: A shower before siesta will prepare you for some very sweet dreams where you miss your flight and have to stay in Spain because you can't afford to get home. And the best part is, you don't care.

No Racism—No Public Health Crisis
Racism is a public health crisis—so says Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall and the City Council. But wait, how can that be when there is no racism in the entire state of Utah? We know this because Sen. Mike Lee, Rep. Burgess Owens and our Republican brothers and sisters in the state Legislature told us so. After the Civil War there was no slavery and no racism because everything was separate but equal. That's why our white-bread legislators passed a resolution against teaching "critical race theory." It would make white kids feel guilty about something that doesn't exist. And as far as Latinos and Asians and Native Americans go, well they were never slaves so they don't count. According to the mayor, institutional racism is manifest when minority populations are exposed to "environmental toxins, unmet housing needs, disparities in policing and the criminal justice system, inadequate private and public investment, decreased access to educational and employment opportunities and multitudes of health measures." That may be true but whose fault is that? None of that would happen if those people didn't choose to be poor. All they have to do is get a lot of money and make other people live in the ghetto. It's a no-brainer.

Postscript—That about does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where the staff keeps track of Pioneer Day so you don't have to. But wait! Why was Pioneer Day celebrated on July 23? It probably has nothing to do with KSL's contract to televise the Olympics on the real Pioneer Day. Moving on: Why did Jeff Bezos wear a 10-gallon Stetson into space reminiscent of Slim Pickins riding an atomic bomb in the classic film "Dr. Stangelove." Just weird. Here's something from Arizona Republican state Sen. Wendy Rogers upon hearing that the Cleveland Indians will now be called the Guardians: "I like Indians and I like Redskins. I like Aunt Jemima and I like Uncle Ben. I like Robert E. Lee and I like Stonewall Jackson. I don't like traitors who hate America. Stand up for our [Racist] culture!" There was good news, too. Dan Bailey, a Montana fishing guide, caught Tucker Carlson in a Livingston sporting goods store and got in his face: "You are the worst human known to mankind. I want you to know that." He posted the video on Instagram. More good news. At a virtual town hall, Alexis Toon told Sen. Rand Paul where to get off and posted on TikTok: "Hi, senator, I am a proud Kentucky citizen, and I just wanted to tell you to get f--ked." Amen.

Well Wilson, have you and the guys in the band recovered from your real Pioneer Day celebration? No doubt, Polygamy Porter and Five Wives vodka is quite a combo and so apropos, especially in the summer heat. OK guys, roll with it:

In the summertime when the weather is hot
You can stretch right up and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
You got women, you got women on your mind
Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal
If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel
Speed along the lane
Do a ton or a ton and twenty-five
When the sun goes down
You can make it, make it good and really fine

Sing along with us, dee-dee dee-dee dee
Da doo da-da da, yeah, we're hap-pap-py
Da da da, dee da doo dee da doo da doo da
"In The Summertime"—Mungo Jerry

PPS—During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.