Europeans can spot an American tourist a mile away, according to a recent advertorial in Huffington Post. Among the giveaways are men wearing backward baseball caps and shorts—totally uncool. Americans are forever asking for more ice in their drinks—annoying. Americans are always on their phones or taking selfies.

Europeans hate it when Americans address them as "bro" or "dude." Another dead giveaway is when an American orders ketchup. "Hey bro, gimme a glass of ice and some ketchup." Americans wear flip-flops and fanny packs—embarrassing.

That got the staff here at Smart Bomb to thinking: How do you know if someone is from Utah? When they say "well" and you don't know if they're talking about a "whale" or a "wheel." And, of course, if they utter the words, "The Church," it's a slam-dunk.

You can tell someone is from Utah if they say Murray is a town rather than a man's name. And it's a dead giveaway if they say, "It's down to Murray." They're probably from Utah if they're bad tippers. And it's a good bet someone is from Utah if they carry around a 64-ounce to-go cup.

You know they're from Utah if they have license plates like this: IM1RU2. If they use words like "flip" and "garbage" in place of expletives, they're from Utah—and that's no shit, er, uh, garbage.

Connecting the Dots
For the sake of argument, let's say that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas didn't realize his wife, Ginni, was a radical who was bent on overturning the election of Joe Biden and that he didn't know she had pressed 29 lawmakers in Arizona not to accept the Democrat's victory there. Maybe Justice Thomas was just clueless that Ginni exchanged messages with Mark Meadows, the White House chief of staff, days before the Jan. 6 insurrection.

That's a lot not to know about your spouse, but maybe it's possible. Does your wife have a secret credit card? Is she really playing bridge with the girls on Wednesday evenings? And why does she smell kinda different when she gets home?

Maybe it's just coincidence that Clarence Thomas was the only member of the Supreme Court to vote in favor of Donald Trump's attempt to keep secret his communications, which included those between Meadows and Ginni. Maybe Clarence had no idea that in the week heading up to Jan. 6, Ginni was in contact with John Eastman, the architect of the coup, and may have told him there was a dispute among the Supreme Court justices whether or not to hear arguments about the 2020 election.

Maybe Clarence Thomas didn't see his wife as an insurrectionist. Or maybe he just couldn't believe his lyin' eyes.

A Well-Regulated Militia
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms for a well-regulated militia in order to secure a free state. Well, we're in luck, we've got the Proud Boys, a well-regulated militia. Nah, we don't care about no well-regulated militia. We care about owning guns.

Collectively, we own some 400 million of them. That's why we're a free country and those people in Australia and New Zealand and across Europe aren't free—they don't got no guns.

Of course, freedom isn't free. As Bill O'Reilly said of the 59 people who were killed and the 411 injured at a 2017 country music festival in Las Vegas: "That's the price of freedom."

The same must be true of the 19 4th-graders and 2 teachers who were shot dead at an elementary school in Uvalde, Tex., as well as 10 people killed and 3 others wounded at a Buffalo, N.Y. grocery store. And the 20 six- and 7-year-olds killed at Sandy Hook, along with 6 adults. And the list goes on.

What would the Founders think of our new tradition of mass shootings? They lived in a time of single-shot muskets and couldn't possibly envision such carnage. But here we are in the present-day United States, where freedom means your kids could be killed at school or the grocery store or at a concert. That's the price of freedom? Some freedom.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of election deniers so you don't have to. The Jan. 6 committee hearings are totally bogus, say diehard Trumpers, who took to social media to fight back.

Bill Barr lied because, they say, Dominion Voting Systems paid him to say Trump knew he lost the election. The testimony of Ivanka Trump couldn't be real when she agreed with Barr that Trump's victory claims were B.S. And, of course, the Earth is flat.

Here's a little something from our "Science" file: NASA's Mars rover is searching for life on the Red Planet. But recently, the rover came across something else—human garbage, apparently from an earlier mission. Extraterrestrial joke: How can you tell where Earthlings have been?

Here's something from our "You Won't Believe It" file: Swedes love to pay taxes and theirs are the highest in the world. According to the BBC, Swedes have peace of mind because they have a high standard of living with free tuition, low-cost healthcare, daycare, parental leave and on and on. The Swedish Welfare State is a well-funded resource that is used by everyone. And Swedes say—compared to the U.S. costs of healthcare, education and daycare—they're getting a good deal. Try selling that in Washington, D.C.

Alright Wilson, people make fun of Utah but we don't care. More and more, folks from all over look favorably on Utah and are moving here. Gone are the good ol' days when they stayed away because they thought we were all a bunch of teetotaling polygamists. So wake up the band, Wilson, and show those gentiles how the cows eat the cabbage:

It was a paradise for lizards when young Brigham saw it first
He said I've seen some nasty deserts Lord, but this one here's the worst
Then the Lord called down to Brigham, said "I've got a great idea"
I want a mighty city and I think I want it here

Salt Lake City, where it's so easy keeping straight
Salt Lake City, just really makes Des Moins look second rate
Ain't making no big deal about it
But I har the Mormon girls are really great
Salt Lake City, hey, dig that Tabernacle Choir
Salt Lake City, yeah they be bound to take you higher
There just ain't no two ways about it, yes Lord they really light my fire

Well Brigham kicked a prairie dog, and he muttered in his beard
Said you've put me through some changes Lord but this one's really weird
The Lord just laughed at Brigham, said "you'd better get to work"
The next time I check in here, I want paradise on earth

Salt Lake City, where Brigham made the desert bloom
Salt Lake City, put a color TV in every room
And they got them crazy Mormon chicks, yes I'll be going there real soon

Salt Lake City, hey feel that magic in the air
Salt Lake City, you know that's kind of why I like it there
Salt Lake City, well you know that's where I'm bound
Salt Lake City, I'm going down to Salt Lake town
"Salt Lake City"—Bob Weir and John Barlow