Deep End | Big Nurse: Hillary Clinton orders the other candidates to take their medicine | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Deep End | Big Nurse: Hillary Clinton orders the other candidates to take their medicine



Former associates of Hillary Clinton are not surprised she has traded in her standard-issue pantsuit for a crisp, white nurse’s uniform.

“She always dressed up as a nurse on Halloween,” said childhood friend Arlene Muir. “She used to go whole hog—the little white cap, the apron, the traditional collar dress, even clunky white shoes and those awful white stockings. I remember some of the boys wanted to play doctor with her, but Hillary quickly put the kibosh on any funny business. She would bop them with her little toy reflexes hammer.” Mrs. Clinton appeared in public for the first time in full nurse regalia during a campaign stop in Clearwater, Fla. According to a Clinton spokesperson, the candidate’s adoption of a nurse costume has nothing to do with her pledge of universal health care.

“With the large population of retirees in Florida, we know there is a great deal of interest in health care. Hillary doesn’t need to play like she’s a nurse to remind people how much she cares about them. Nor is she appealing to that segment of the population who get turned on by sexy nurses’ outfits. And we are absolutely outraged by the suggestion that Hillary is looking for votes among those who have a fetish for stethoscopes, sphygmomanometers or suppositories. Full disclosure requires us to say that she has studied up on enemas, but she performs that procedure for family and friends only on a therapeutic basis.”

Now that Bill Clinton has inserted himself into Hillary’s campaign, people are curious about what kind of input he may have had regarding his wife’s nurse attire. Knowledgeable observers doubt anything kinky is going on between the former first couple and, indeed, there has never been even a whisper that anything remotely intimate has transpired between the two.

Furthermore, say sources close to the former president, Mr. Clinton’s predilections vis-à-vis erotic fantasy are more in the area of bobby socks, plaid skirts and pigtails. “Anyone who has any questions on that score should recall the former president’s relationship with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, who used to bring her homework over to the White House,” said Lannie Davis, the Clintons’ most loyal factotum. “Let me just add,” continued Davis, “that Miss Lewinsky is forever grateful for the pointers she received from the president.”

Mrs. Clinton caused a bit of a stir at the most recent debate when she handed Barak Obama and John Edwards paper cups and instructed them to provide urine samples. When neither complied, she got visibly angry and told them they were being very bad boys. Then just as the debate was getting under way, Nurse Clinton interrupted Tim Russert and told him he was looking rather feverish. He declined her offer to take his temperature.

Later, in an obvious attempt to curry favor with the former first lady, Brian Williams invited her to talk a little bit about her resplendent white medical garb.

“I’m glad you asked me, Brian, because, you know, I just got sick and tired of taking so much guff for wearing sensible pantsuits. Tonight, I’m wearing a spatter-resistant embroidered collar dress from All-Heart and autoclavable clogs from Smart-Scrubs. And because I’m appearing in front of a national audience, tonight I’m also wearing full-support white pantyhose, with an extra wide sewn-in waistband to prevent rolling. The pantyhose are equipped with Run-Guard at the thighs for reinforcement at stretch point, as well as a cool and comfortable cotton crotch.

“But you know, Brian, I’m just a woman like millions of women out there, except I’m a lot smarter, and like women everywhere, I’m, you know, very self-conscious about my body, and I have to, you know, confess that I think these white support hose I’m wearing make my legs, you know, look fat.”

At this point some observers thought they detected a catch in Nurse Clinton’s voice and a tear in her eye.

“I know what my opponents are saying behind my back, calling me Nurse Ratched and Big Nurse. Well, I always, you know, thought Louise Fletcher was great in that Cuckoo’s Nest movie, and Jack Nicholson, you know, got everything he deserved. So go ahead and call me Big Nurse. I don’t just talk the talk; I walk the walk, wearing my autoclavable clogs. I know what’s right, and I know what’s best for this country, and you better take your medicine. Or else!”

Offstage, scars from his prefrontal lobotomy still visible, Bill Clinton applauded wildly.

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.