Deep End | Hillary’s Rules: In her world, the Queen can jump the other pieces | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Deep End

Deep End | Hillary’s Rules: In her world, the Queen can jump the other pieces



A new dance sensation is sweeping the nation, and it’s called the “Hillary Hustle,” originated by the hottest candidate to hit the campaign trail since Richard Nixon did the old soft shoe.

Just last week Mrs. Clinton showed off her nifty moves on Dancing With the Stars. It was just a guest appearance, but the indefatigable hoofer was kicking up her heels to garner even more votes in her deranged quest for the White House.

“I’m going to make sure that all the votes you phone in will be added to my delegate total,” Mrs. Clinton bellowed to the TV audience, “because you all are hard-working white Americans who shouldn’t, you know, be disenfranchised just because you’re voting on a stupid TV show.”

Mrs. Clinton, who was wearing a red, white and blue sequined pant suit with strategically placed cut-outs, then proceeded to wow the crowd with her endearing bobble-head shuffle and point, the whole time clapping her hands and bestowing upon her fans that weird pop-eyed howdy-do.

When it came to the actual dance steps, Mrs. Clinton often faltered, and once or twice landed on her keister. But instead of finishing the dance, she insisted that the band stop the music and start a new dance. There were murmurings heard in the audience, but the candidate stomped her foot so hard that she got her way.

“I’m the best dancer,” she asserted over and over again. “And most important, I feel very, very strongly that I’m the best dancer, and if I don’t win, I will make very mean faces and get my husband to wag his finger at you.”

One of the other performers, a certain Mr. Obama, was a far more graceful performer, and the clear crowd favorite, but Mrs. Clinton muttered something under her breath about how dancing came natural to him, and after all, what mattered was not how you danced but how many dance lessons you’d had.

Prognosticators are not sure how far the Hillary Hustle will take the determined hoofer, but already disgruntled losers in fields far from dancing and politics are taking heart from Mrs. Clinton’s astonishing attempts to move the goalposts, change the rules, or simply just make up her own rules.

Teams who have been eliminated in the ongoing NBA play-offs, for instance, are at this very moment making the case for victory. One executive of a losing team pointed out that his team had actually made more baskets than the team that beat them.

“If you look at tapes of pre-game warm-ups,” said the embittered exec, you’ll plainly see that we put the ball through the hoop more than our opponents. It’s irrelevant that the game had not started. Everyone was already on the court, and everyone knows that when you’re on the court, you’re trying to put the ball through the hoop. When you add up all the baskets, both before the game, during the game, and during halftime, it’s clear that we won. And if you ask the fans, they will say we are the better team, which means we are the better team. We’re going to stay home and make mean faces unless David Stern proclaims us champions.”

A tennis player who recently lost an early round match in the French Open recently has been on the phone with Mrs. Clinton, getting valuable tips on how to use the Hillary Hustle to get back into the tournament.

“How about saying you thought you were playing doubles, and therefore all those balls you hit wide should count?” Mrs. Clinton reportedly told the defeated player.

The Hillary Hustle comes as no surprise to people who knew Mrs. Clinton back in the old days. One classmate recalls a friendly game of chess (if there really is such a thing) suddenly turning nasty when Hillary insisted that the Queen could jump over pieces just like the Knights could.

“I know I’m the best player,” the future first lady asserted, “and I feel, you know, very, very strongly that I am the best. Besides, even though the Queen is the most powerful piece, it’s very sexist that she can’t do what she wants, like jumping other pieces. Therefore, I should win.”

Perhaps the boldest tactic in the Hillary Hustle is the claim that sudden death can occur at any time, not just at the end of the game.

“You never know when your opponent is going to get shot, and when he is, that proves you were the best player, after all.”