Deep End | Sarah, Smile: Hooray for high-minded, highly babelicious Palin. | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Deep End | Sarah, Smile: Hooray for high-minded, highly babelicious Palin.


The Deep End has obtained the top-secret memo laying out the argument for the selection of Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running-mate on the Republican ticket. The memo was written by Karl Rove, who, though supposedly not on the McCain payroll, is clearly calling the shots in the elderly hothead’s presidential bid.n

Cognizant as we are of the sensitivities of a certain portion of the citizenry to expressions that could be construed, even in the most tangential and tenuous way, as politically incorrect, we take this opportunity to warn readers that the memo, published here for the very first time, may contain elements offensive to those delicate sensibilities who pride themselves on ignoring realities of human nature.

MEMO: Veep Pick.
TO: John McCain and minders
FROM: Karl Rove
RE: Sarah Palin—Governor, Wife, Gun-Toting Hockey Mom, All-Around Sexy Babe

First of all, don’t let this memo get into the hands of Cindy—she’s already very touchy about the babelicious staffers in the McCain entourage.

Secondly, we must present the choice of Sarah Palin in the most high-minded way—historically significant, ground-breaking, glass-ceiling crashing, barrier demolishing, reaching across all boundaries, et cetera, et cetera. Also, stress her maverick qualities (whatever that means) and motherly life-experiences (whatever that means). Then, of course, send out talking points to all our TV factotums about her pro-life positions (all those kids she’s popped out), her support of gun rights (unlike Mitt Romney, she’s bagged more than squirrels, gophers and stray cats). But don’t let the story get out about her Dick Cheney-like collateral damage—in her case, winging an inebriated Eskimo rather than a drunken hunting companion.

Thirdly, the real reason to put her on your team is her sex appeal. I know, I know, she’s 44 years old and a five-time mom. But have you seen her up close and personal, so to speak? On the surface she seems like a cross between Marie Osmond and Tina Fey, especially with those no-nonsense spectacles and pinned up hair.

But there’s a lot more going on than that prim “professional” gal look. By professional, I mean what we used to call in the old days, “career” gal, but they tell me that’s demeaning these days. Still, “professional” in the sense of “pro,” as in “oldest profession” is not something necessarily to exclude from associations we want to evoke.

I don’t want to give myself away here, confirmed bachelor that I am, but I call your attention to on ongoing theme in adult videos (in your case, scratchy old black-and-white 16 millimeter film), of the prim, bespectacled gal with pinned-up hair, usually a secretary or a schoolteacher, who you know sure as shootin’ will be tossing off her glasses, unpinning her hair (shaking it out in a suggestive gesture of coming sexual abandon) and making herself recumbently available on her desk.

The enduring popularity of this scenario, this enacted fantasy, is evidenced by those commercials on TV-selling shampoo or perfume or pantyhose—it doesn’t matter what the product is, what matters is the primal appeal of subterranean (but not too subterranean) sexuality. Emphasize this promised pleasure to be obtained from a female in a position of authority—an anchor woman on TV, a strict school teacher—and you’ve got yourself a twofer: asserting dominance over the female authority figure as well as masochistic submission to the figure in question.

Moreover, with Governor Palin, we pull the rug out from under the black dude by putting a female on the ticket. We get several positives in the process: we win all those bitter and resentful Hillary diehards; we win the male voters who are turned off by Hillary, but turned on by a juicy woman who radiates fecundity (five kids!); the fecundity of our female vice presidential candidate is more than sexual, it is maternal, and this maternal appeal draws in voters who are threatened by the potency of Barack Obama’s black-man mystique.

Finally, this juicy fecundity offsets our candidate’s desiccated senescence. People will say that we are taking a foolish chance by pairing a total novice with our geriatric contender. All around the land, people are crying, “What if he dies in office?” But they do not understand the change of seasons, the death of kings and fertility myths. Governor Palin symbolizes new life.

P.S. Senator McCain, you’ve got to limit your hugs of Mrs. Palin, and please, please, stop looking at her ass. tttt