Five different movies attempt to coexist here: two rom-coms, a family drama, a grossout comedy and a May-December platonic melodrama. Connecting these disparate—though all equally inert—tales? Sexual innuendo, stilted humor, sloppy sentiment, implausible human interaction, sunny Los Angeles settings (often bafflingly CGI’d) ... and dogs! Barista Vanessa Hudgens finds a stray, and finds herself caught between hot veterinarian Michael Cassidy and schubby no-kill shelter owner Jon Bass. Morning-TV host Nina Dobrev might be able to fall for cheeky new coworker Tone Bell—her dog has already fallen for his dog—if only she can stop being so uptight. Crotchety old man Ron Cephas Jones bonds with teenager Finn Wolfhard over his missing dog. It gets worse from there. Any would-be romantic scene that turns cringeworthy—like, say, if the actors have no chemistry whatsoever and it’s painful watching them pretend to be attracted to each other—can be fixed with a cut to an adorable chihuahua looking on in googly-eyed bewilderment, right? Nope. Dogs cannot fix this. This is—sorry—simply pawful. By MaryAnn Johanson