Edward Coristine, the 19-year-old kid known by his online handle “Big Balls,” is now working for the Social Security Administration, “advancing our mission of delivering more efficient service to the American people,” a spokesman said. Big Balls came to fame as a member of Elon Musk's so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), which—despite the moniker—is not an official government entity.
Musk said he could cut $2 trillion from the budget. So far, it's more like 200 billion, or 10% of his original goal. As “Big Balls” explained to Fox News host Jesse Watters, he uses “computer stuff” to ferret out fraud and waste.
“You look at a specific line item, $20 million. OK, what is it going to?” Big Balls said. “For the majority of payment systems it’s like, we don’t really know.”
Yes Wilson, that's pretty technical and transparent—well, not exactly. But hey, you gotta trust they know what they're doing. Well, maybe not. Finance expert Michael Ryan said DOGE cuts will have long term implications.
"These cuts pose significant risks to long-term governmental and economic stability,” Ryan said recently. “While cost-cutting measures can be beneficial, the current approach lacks any transparent methodology or comprehensive impact analysis. In my opinion, the potential destabilization of critical agencies like USAID could compromise national security and international diplomatic relationships."
That's right Wilson, Big Balls just failed upward—a very special skill, indeed.
We Prayed, We Fasted, But No Rain—What the Heck?
Gov. Spencer Cox looked to Our Lord, who art in Heaven, and declared a Day of Prayer and Fasting for Rain in Utah last Sunday. But no rain came.
Well OK Wilson, it is possible we're praying all wrong. So our crack religion/rain specialists here at Smart Bomb got to checking it out.
For example, here is Psalm 65:9: “You care for the land and water it; you enrich it abundantly. The streams of God are filled with water to provide the people with grain, for so you have ordained it.”
We're pretty sure no one around here prayed for rain like that. So yeah, no wonder it hasn't rained. This could be a real bummer, according to James 5:17—“Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth.”
So then what? Well, if at first you don't succeed ... James 5:18—“Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.”
That's it Wilson, we just have to keep praying and eventually it will rain. Do you think Gov. Cox knows this? He said, pray for rain; he didn't say keep praying until it rains—or is that just assumed? He really ought to clarify.
Of course, other cultures have asked God or the gods for rain. The Aztecs held elaborate ceremonies to appease the rain god, Tlaloc, including sacrificing children. If the children cried on their way to be sacrificed, it was a good sign that it would rain.
Well, Cox didn't mention human sacrifices, but with his changing attitudes toward LGBT folks, who knows ...
Jeff Bezos’ Big Venetian Wedding
Well Wilson, we don't know if you've heard, but rich guy Amazon dude Jeff Bezos married his girlfriend in Venice, Italy. Hard to miss, even if you've been living in a cave. For weeks, the disconsolate denizens of Venice were bracing themselves for the world's glitterati to descend on their canals and restaurants and muck everything up more than usual in this overcrowded tourist destination.
Yep, hundreds and hundreds of Bezos' closest friends—make that rich friends—were taking up all the rooms and oxygen in this ancient Renaissance city, which in season is clogged with throngs of pale people in plaid shorts and Hawaiian shirts who debark from gigantic cruise ships with swimming pools.
The Venetians weren't wild about the celebrity shindig and threatened to fill the canals with inflatable crocodiles. But alas, the spectacle went off anyway. Leo DiCaprio was there. Oprah was there. Tom Brady was there. And the Kardashians, of course.
Everyone who is anyone was there, all done up in expensive gowns and jewelry and tuxedos and diamonds as they smiled for the paparazzi, while stepping gingerly in and out of gondolas hoping to hell they didn't slip into the murky water. You're right Wilson, it sounds pretty damn boring.
The only thing worse for an A-list celebrity was not being there. Imagine the self-pity of a fading celeb sitting on a sofa in L.A., eating take-out while watching all those self-important people on TV stumble around with puzzled expressions, thinking, “I hope someone notices me.” Ah, to be rich and famous.
Postscript—That's gonna do it for another HOT week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Jewish quarterbacks at BYU so you don't have to. Well sports fans, say goodbye to BYU phenom Jake Retzlaff, who led the Cougars to an 11-2 record last season.
During his run, the Cougs developed a loyal following of Jews who travelled to Provo on Saturdays to watch the California kid sling the pigskin among 60,000 Mormon faithful. But then, Ratzlaff was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in November of 2023. He maintained the sex was consensual.
The woman sought some $300,000 in damages, but her civil lawsuit was dismissed June 29. That, however, doesn't leave Retzlaff in the clear as far as BYU is concerned. The school has a strict honor code that prohibits premarital sex.
The QB was facing a seven-game suspension and, so, he is now looking to go elsewhere to finish his college career. That's right Wilson, bad breaks all the way around.
Shifting gears: global warming is here no matter what Donald Trumps says. It was an exceptionally hot June in this country, but what's going on in Europe is just ridiculous.
Over the weekend, Seville, Spain, hit 113 degrees. In Mora, Portugal, the mercury jumped up to 116 degrees. Skala, Greece, was 110—all records.
Think the Earth is warming up? Nah, that's just a hoax perpetrated by Marxist environmentalists. By contrast, here in northern Utah, it's going to be relatively cool, in just the mid- to high-90s. Count your blessings and pass the Popsicles.
Well Wilson, summer is no time to stop drinking (alcoholic beverages). Of course, we don't need to tell that to you and the lushes in the band. Anesthesia is welcoming on a hot day and it's no surprise that many alcoholic concoctions were invented in the South, where summer stretches from May 1 to Sept. 30 and is humid as all get-out.
Maybe you and the guys can take us out with a little something that's says it's J-U-L-Y:
Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, isn't it a pity?
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head
But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right
And babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city
Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Cool cat, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop
But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come on, come on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right
And babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city
“Summer In The City”—Lovin' Spoonful
