Making history can be a whole lot of fun, can’t it? And this presidential election has been awfully darned exciting, even if you voted for Ralph “Smiley” Nader. Thanks in part to Smiley, the election of the president is totally screwed up … er, uh, historical.
Here at Smartbomb, we’ve been analyzing all the ifs, ands or buts surrounding the national popular vote count, the Electoral College and Florida balloting. Following careful analysis, historical review and number crunching, we think we’ve come up with a solution: Screw the Electoral College!
American voters, finally forced to pay attention to what the Electoral College is and how it actually works, can’t believe what a dumb thing it really is. Surveys indicate that an overwhelming majority of voters don’t like it. The Founding Fathers made a mistake; let’s scrap the damn college and move on, they say. Amen.
The most intriguing part of this election is that George W. Bush didn’t win the popular vote, and if you take into account all the irregularities in Florida, he shouldn’t have won the Electoral College tally, either. But nonetheless, it looks like he will be the next president. You gotta love it, baby. Like Dubya always says, “I’d rather be lucky than good, any day.” Prophetic, ain’t it?
Richard Milhous Nixon has finally emerged in a positive light. Bush supporters are pointing to Tricky Dick as a great statesman who refused to challenge results in the 1960 presidential race that saw John F. Kennedy installed as president by a razor-thin margin. Kennedy’s victory rested on Illinois, where the mob and Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley delivered the goods, and Texas, where Lyndon Johnson’s cronies were in charge of vote counting. Nixon knew he got screwed, according to Bush supporters, but didn’t challenge the results. Gore should do the same, they insist. Who said those Bush folks aren’t logical?
Here at Smartbomb, the staff just loves Dubya. Anyone who used to snort coke and got busted for a DUI can’t be all that bad. This is a guy we can all relate to—unlike like Al Gore, who spent his entire adult life being responsible. How boring. One thing is clear: Bush will be a lot more fun than Gore for news reporters to cover. For starters, after every press conference they’ll have to figure out what the hell it was Dubya said.
Finally, for all you little skankers out there who think City Weekly has sold out, this: On last Sunday’s Salt Lake Tribune party page—you know, the page where all the fat cats have big smiles on their faces during various hoity-toity soirees—was a picture of John Saltas (in tuxedo, no less) and his charming wife, Paula. They were attending the University of Utah President’s Dinner, along with the usual suspects. The saving grace: The photo caption didn’t identify him as publisher of City Weekly. Thank the Lord.