7. For the sake of national security, Jesus, Santa and the Easter Bunny never travel together.
6. Should anything happen to all three, next in the command chain is Michael Myers, Patron Saint of Halloween.
5. The tradition of dyeing hard-boiled eggs honors Pass, the Goddess of Cholesterol.
4. Originally developed by Acme Suppositories, Peeps were never meant to be ingested orally.
3. Easter bonnets are a tool of the patriarchy to keep women chaste and/or preoccupied on Etsy.
2. Lamb Easter dishes are a lie perpetuated by Big Mutton.
1. A chocolate Easter Bunny is only as hollow as your soul. So, if you've read this far ...