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Ego Rising

Oprah's massive self-worth threatens to take over the world.



At first they thought they could keep it tethered by triple-strength titanium-reinforced steel cables, but their calculations proved no match for the huge mass of Oprah’s huge ego, which was already proving to be a huge attraction for Oprahites around the world.

“We were so blessed that Oprah so generously donated her ego to the universe,” said tearful best friend Gayle King. “I knew her ego was super ginormous, but all of us—me and Stedman and Oprah’s pooch, Sadie—we all hoped we could keep it under control and let Oprah worshippers from every corner of the Earth and every galaxy in the known universe make the pilgrimage to behold its enormitude. But Oprah’s ego was gonna do what it was gonna do, and no one was gonna stop it from setting off on its journey to God knows where. And only God, who has served as Oprah’s loyal assistant for all these years, has the slightest inkling.”

Before Oprah’s ego totally broke free from its moorings, Tom Cruise, the pipsqueak Scientologist, was brought in to apply his bouncing skills to the wayward mass. “He destroyed one of Oprah’s sofas,” said Stedman, “so we thought he might be able to stomp her ego into submission. Big as his ego is, it was hardly a match for Oprah’s.”

Several governmental agencies, including the U.S. Weather Service, are tracking its progress as it expands through the atmosphere. In addition to disrupting weather patterns, Oprah’s ego is thought to be responsible for a rash of airplane near-misses, as well as a host of end-of-the-world predictions.

The Obama administration, which is a subsidiary of Oprah’s Harpo Productions, is said to have dispatched the Navy Seals’ celebrated Team 6 to find and capture Oprah, who, since donating her ego, is nowhere to be found. The hope is that Oprah might be able to persuade her ego to return to her body.

“We know it’s a long shot,” said a Team 6 spokesman. “Even if we can bring her in, getting that ego back into her body may be a case of trying to get the cat back in the bag. And we’re dealing with a size differential that defies all known natural laws.”

Apart from the danger that Oprah’s gigantic ego presents to life on Earth as we know it, its puzzling physical properties have scientists salivating at the prospect of plumbing the secrets of subatomic structure.

“It’s unlike any substance I’ve ever encountered,” said Dr. Aldeni Ensernos, the Nobel laureate in biochemical synergy who is adjunct professor at Dixie State College. “Before it came untethered, we were able to obtain samples of Oprah’s ego for analysis. Pretty scary, let me tell you. At first glance, it has obvious gaseous qualities that account for its propensity to expand. But it has viscous qualities that enable it to engulf and sometimes obliterate unsuspecting proximal entities. When that Cruise character was jumping up and down on Oprah’s ego, he came close to losing a leg or even some other valuable body part. I think when we finally contain Oprah’s ego, if we ever actually do, we will find all kinds of things trapped in its ferocious molecular interstices.”

Psychologists have also evinced a fascination with the progress of Oprah’s ego. The human ego has been long thought to be a metaphorical concept situated somewhere between the cingulated sulchus and the corpus callosum in the posterior lobe of the brain’s Romanoff region. Now, however, the behavior of Oprah’s ego raises the intriguing possibility that the medieval scholasticists were correct in describing the homunculus egoisus as a physical entity usually situated in the Belucci canal between the spleen and the islets of Langerhans.

Nevertheless, there is a growing consensus, especially among theologians, that the monstrous ballooning of Oprah’s ego is unique, a once-in-the-history-of-the-world occurrence.

The Right Reverend Granville Lash of the Tooele Theological Seminary says that the phenomenon of Oprah’s ego is forcing serious students of salvation to re-examine the traditional concept of humility. “For a couple of centuries now, Jesus has been the gold standard, and he was a pretty humble cat. But Oprah’s ego has left the Son of God in the dust.”

The last word goes to the Poet Laureate of Flapdoodle, the one and only Maya Angelou, who, in her farewell verses on Oprah’s Ascension, lets it be known:

Then the Universe had an a-ha! Moment
And said Oprah.

The Universe whispered Oprah.

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